Life has a way of constantly testing us. Sometimes we get lucky and coast for months or years without any major problems or fears. And other times, everything comes crashing down all at once, day after day, and our limits are put to the test. Things have been rather rough and stressful for me over the last month, but I’m trying really hard not to let that get me down. I keep telling myself, I will never surrender!, but sometimes I can barely think straight. In any case, I’m taking some much needed time today to take a step back, reflect on life, and work on overcoming fear.
My mother is a constant worrier, and although that’s unlikely genetic, it sure feels like I inherited that trait from her. I’ve had a fair amount of my own struggles with overthinking things, which is one of the worst ways to handle fear. Overthinking exacerbates the emotional side of fear and makes us feel overwhelmed. But I think we’re all capable of incredible things, including overcoming fear if we give ourselves enough time and support.
Confess, Cope, And Get One Step Closer To Overcoming Fear
When I was a teenager, I made a list in my diary of all the things that scared me at the time. My goal was to keep that list until I could cross off every single one. I had no idea if it would even be possible or how long it could take, but you know what? I did! It took me several years, but I managed to overcome all of those fears. Since I’m feeling overwhelmed lately, I’m going to try the exercise again and share it with you.
Perhaps confessing will help me get one step closer to overcoming fear and create a helpful dialog in the process. Surely one of you out there reading this post has one or more of the same fears as me. Please let me know if so, because it really helps not to feel alone!
8. Fear Of Rats, Mice, Spiders, And Bugs
I’ve lost count of the number of rats, mice, spiders, and bugs I’ve encountered around SF. EW! Rats are just nasty, and with all the construction going on in the city, they are crawling around in a lot of places. And I’m not talking small rats either. I’m talking big nasty rats that are larger than squirrels and probably carry diseases, who knows.
Mice aren’t as bad because they are SO much smaller, and somewhat cute, but I still don’t want to encounter one. I was at a cafe a few weeks ago and saw a mouse sprint back and forth 6 times in the middle of the day. He was actually a cute lil guy since I wasn’t just a visitor there, so I just went about my own business, but if had seen him in my own house I’d be screaming lol.
And I don’t know why, but spiders seem to have some weird attraction to me. I find them everywhere! Tiny ones, long legged ones, furry ones, really ugly ones, and giant ones. Gross. Thankfully there aren’t a ton of bugs and mosquitos here, but any mosquito in the area always seems to find its way into my ears. I hate that!
Coping strategy: I think most people would agree any encounter with these things is unpleasant. I can’t really imagine getting over my fear of them, but perhaps I can worry less if I 1) Don’t leave any food out, 2) Call the exterminator if needed, 3) Use bug spray, 4) Keep windows and doors sealed tight.
7. Fear Of Getting Mugged
SF is a pretty safe place, but there are a lot of crazy people here. The ever rising number of homeless, drug addicts, street criminals, and mentally ill residents doesn’t help. I know several people who have been mugged in the city, thankfully they are all okay, but this is not an experience I want to encounter. Plus I probably look like an easy target.
Coping strategy: 1) Don’t carry any valuables, 2) Learn self-defense, 3) Stop walking and texting, 4) Walk fast, 5) Stay alert.
6. Fear Of Driving A Car Without Breaks
I have a recurring dream that I’m driving, lose control, and can’t stop the car. I keep slamming on the brakes, but nothing happens, and I’m caught in a panic trying to swerve the car around to prevent it from crashing. I’m sure this is caused by some type of psychological stress of feeling out of control of the things happening in my real life.
Coping strategy: 1) Don’t drive too fast, 2) Regularly replace brake pads rotors, 3) De-stress, 4) Remind myself of what I do have control over in my life.
5. Fear Of Ending Up Alone
Both of my parents live alone. They like their independence and have their own small circle of friends, but I’m sure they both wish I lived closer. And I know they probably wish they didn’t end up having to live alone in their retirement, even though their divorce was a positive thing.
I remember vividly the sadness and tears that would well up in my grandmother’s eyes every time my parents drove me away after a visit. Those memories are hard to swallow. Gosh that could be me someday waving goodbye from the front porch, or maybe I won’t even have grandkids to come visit me when I’m old. Sob, sob, sob. I remember too how much she missed my grandfather, and that made me so sad. Better to have loved than lost, than never to have loved at all. But, losing a loved one can’t be an easy passage either.
So yes, I fear ending up alone someday without family nearby and not having a close network of friends to keep me company either. I don’t want to end up sad and alone! While I like having time to myself now, and I enjoy being able to do solitary things, being alone can get very lonely rather quickly. I’ve moved around and changed circles of friends so many times in my life, yet I still fear being alone someday.
Coping strategy: Does everybody fear ending up alone as they get older? I’m one of the types who imagine only a few people coming to my funeral. That’s rather depressing now isn’t it? My tendency to overthink definitely makes overcoming fear a lot harder. But I need to remind myself 1) I can always move to be closer to people I care about, 2) It’s not a big deal to make new friends at any age even if it takes time, 3) There are support groups and clubs I can join, 4) I could get a pet, 5) I have a lot of amazing people in my life now that I shouldn’t take for granted, 6) Love travels long distances, 7) Technology makes it a lot easier to stay in touch with people.
4. Fear Of Failure And Forever Treading Water
When things are going well at work and my stress levels are low, life is so good. I had it good for most of this year until the summer when a bunch of things started falling apart and came crashing down on me. These down times definitely make my fears of failure escalate, especially when I feel like I’m up against so many obstacles that I can’t quite climb over.
As much as I’ve tried to be more efficient and become a master of my to do list, I struggle just like everyone else. I hate the feeling of being behind, and that’s how I’ve felt for the last several weeks. It’s not a good feeling. And it also makes me further doubt myself in the less stressful times – Why didn’t I get more done before when I wasn’t dealing with mn, opq, rst, uvw, and xyz?
I fear that I will always be slow and won’t be the powerhouse, hyper-focused, project master that I want to be. I fear that I will fail as an entrepreneur because I will get too overwhelmed from the difficult tasks and will not push myself enough to get out of my comfort zone.
Coping strategy: Overcoming fear of failure is not an overnight exercise. But I think I share this fear with a lot of other people. Anyone who wants to be successful will naturally have a fear of failure. So in my coping strategy I should 1) Remind myself of all the things I have accomplished and overcome so far, 2) Remember that failure is always a learning experience and can even be a good thing, 3) Know that I can always try again if I fail, 4) Plan – prioritize – prepare – execute, 5) Don’t beat myself up because everyone goes through rough patches, 6) Believe that the good times will return, 7) Stay patient, 8) Don’t ignore my limitations, 9) Keep going.
3. Fear Of Kids And Not Having Kids
I’ve written about the fears I have with kids before. This continues to be a fear of mine that has lessened over the years, but still hangs around in the back of my mind a lot. I fear having kids will lead to divorce, which I’ve seen way too many times amongst close friends and family, several of which I thought would be together forever.
But on the other hand, I also fear never having kids will leave me feeling always a bit empty, unfulfilled, and rather lonely when I’m older. I also have fears of waiting too long to start a family, suffering from miscarriages, having a child with severe special needs, or just not even being able to have kids in the first place. I know way too many people who have suffered from infertility, multiple miscarriages, had children with special needs, and divorced after having kids. And although I’m open to the idea of adopting, I also fear the challenges and difficulties that come with that.
Coping strategy: I definitely think I have more fears than most people about kids. But time has taught me that overcoming fear is possible since I do feel my fears of having/not having kids has decreased over the last few years. In any case I should 1) Remember that every family and situation is different, 2) Stay healthy to keep my options open, 3) Trust that there is never a “right” time to have kids, 4) Stop putting unnecessary pressure on myself, 5) Work through the situation if/when the time comes, 6) For every negative, think of at least 2 positives, 7) Let go of jealousy and uncertainty, 8) Enjoy as much time as possible with the young ones in my extended family and network of friends.
2. Fear Of Career Change
When times are good, I really enjoy my day job. But unfortunately when times are bad like they’ve been lately, it’s very tempting to yell obscenities, walk away, and just leave those stresses behind. It’s been about a year or more since I’ve felt the amount of pressure that I do now at work. And it’s frustrating because things were going so well, but now I’m back in a bad stretch again and am forced to micromanage a lot of things in order to try and reduce the number of fire drills that don’t seem to stop coming up. I’ve fought so hard to get to where I am in my career, and that definitely makes it hard to think about the possibility of “giving up” and doing something else.
I’ve worked with some fantastic people for so many years too that they feel like family. And this loyalty in me, perhaps to my detriment, is making it very hard for me to even think about walking away. And even though the stressful times have really tried my patience, I have a lot of fear of leaving. I fear the loss of a reliable, and quite comfortable paycheck. I fear the loss of practically free insurance. I fear having to start worrying about money and monthly cash flow for potentially years and years. I fear the arduous process of looking for another job or taking a leap of faith and not being able to sustain myself as an entrepreneur.
Coping strategy: Overcoming fear of changing my career isn’t going to happen quickly or easily for me. But I will try to 1) Remind myself that continuing to jeopardize my health just to be the loyal employee I’ve been for so many years is becoming foolish, 2) Start asking for more help or more compensation, 3) Get more confident that I’m a desirable candidate that can get hired elsewhere, 4) Continue to save as much money as I can to help during a transition, 5) Talk to people who’ve left and moved on to better things, 6) Continue to take advantage of the current benefits and flexibility my job offers, 7) Update my resume, 8) Take more time off and not feel guilty about it, 9) Stay positive.
1. Fear Of My Aging Parents
Although they don’t really know it, I worry about my parents a lot. So much in fact that I really wonder if I worry more than the average person my age or not. My parents are now in their late 60s, and they’ve had more than their fair share of health issues. Cancer, tumors, anxiety, depression, knee surgeries, hernias, ruptured disks, arthritis, and more, which I doubt they would want me to share.
They joke when we talk that it sucks getting old, but I know there’s a lot of sad truth in that. I wish I could make them immune from all of the vast number of health ailments out there, but I can’t. And I have a lot of fear about their health for their remaining years, fear they run out of money, and fear the day they can’t be independent anymore due to Alzheimer’s, another illness, or disability. They are managing ok with their insurance plans, but even still costs add up quick.
I also live on the opposite side of the country, so although that’s not been a significant problem so far, it will make things difficult later. They both like where they live so I don’t want to make them move if they need full time care, but it’s not very feasible for me to move back East either. I fear I will become really depressed in this process too. Plus I forgot to mention they’re divorced and live several hours apart, so I fear how I will manage if they both need help at the same time. I just don’t know how other people in a similar situation as me would do it.
Coping strategy: If I want to overcome the fears of my aging parents I need to 1) Stop putting unnecessary pressure on myself when their health is out of my control, 2) Encourage them to stay active, 3) Keep in touch regularly, 4) Remember I’m not alone, 5) Not be afraid to hire help if the time comes, 6) Join a support group, 7) Start a special savings account to go towards their future care, 8) Stop overthinking about problems that don’t exist yet, 9) Do the best I can and focus more on the positives than the negatives.
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Thanks for this Sydney.
As someone who has suffered with anxiety throughout my life I totally empathize with your “fears.” I thinks you are right to take practical steps to address your fears but I think there something else you should consider.
Many of your fears are either based upon something happening in the future or an experience you once had. It’s the anticipation of the event (probably based on experience) that causes the anxiety (which is another word for worry which is also manifested as fear.)
Whilst it is perfectly sensible to make preparations and take precautions against unwanted events the truth is, to put it bluntly, “s*@t happens.”
Will you see a big hairy spider? Yes!
Will you get mugged, lose control (the brakes dream), will you end up alone, will your parents struggle in their dotage? Maybe, possibly, could be.
Not very helpful I know but bear with me here.
Though these thoughts may give you anxiety they are just that. Thoughts. These may resemble reality but it’s not the reality your dealing with right now!
What are you doing now? Reading this comment. Your not anxious about the things that worry you right now because your focused upon doing something now. You become anxious, worried, scared when you “think about your fears.”
But we do not really control our thoughts, they tend to wash over us like waves so you can’t really stop them occurring.
But if, when they do occur, you can know they are only thoughts. Not just think they are thoughts but genuinely know and accept that’s all they are, then they will lose their power to make you frightened.
Let’s take the mugging example. It is perfectly reasonable to have a concern about mugging if you are walking alone in a mugging hotspot. It’s reasonable because you are actually doing something which places you at risk so you would be wise to take precautions, probably by avoiding the risks or taking steps to minimize them.
But as you are reading this what is your fear of mugging other than a thought? And how can a thought harm you? What is there to fear other than the thought itself?
If you are worried about the future or have had some bad experiences, as you have rightly said, there are things you can do to address those concerns, but the point is you’re not living in the future or the past you are only alive in the “now”. Now is all there is.
Once you accept that now is everything you start to notice what’s happening now. Life becomes richer because we experience it without having minds clouded by concerns about the things which may or may not happen. Events and situations which are inevitably beyond our control. You can’t stop your parents aging, creepy crawlies running around or even career changes. Nothing is static because everything moves through time.
However the only moment that we actually have any control over what we do is now. It’s the illusion of control over everything that is at the root of our anxieties. Again because you think you can change or stop the inevitable. You can’t all you can do is use your coping strategies to prepare.
But if you know, deep down in your soul, inner being, id whatever you want to call it, that your entire reality is encapsulated in what you are doing right now then (unless you are actually facing a rat) there is absolutely no need to be fearful because the only thing you are frightened of the the idea of a rat not the rat itself.
I hope you can get the gist here. We can achieve a less fearful, less anxious state by being mindful and using mindfulness.
Please check it out because it really helped me and I hope it will be useful for you too.
All the best
I think everyone has a lot of fear; one of my biggest is fear of having to spend 40 more years working in a 9-5, even if I enjoy the one I currently have. Also, fear of not being able to have kids, and if that fear comes true, fear of my husband deciding he doesn’t want to adopt.
Yes I have moments when I have that same fear as you of being stuck in a 9-5 into my 60s. And I can totally relate to your fear of kids. Life can be complicated and we just have to do the best we can every day. I tell myself often “things could always be worse” to help cope and try and reduce the amount of fear I’m feeling in that moment.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on your fears and how you overcome them. I also dhare the same fear of getting mugged. We should really be diligent and stick to well-lighted and well populated areas. Muggers are far less likely to target people where there are others around or they are likely to be seen. Goodluck and live lfe! It’s alright to fear but knowing how to cope up and deal with them is the right way.
Yeah I used to take shortcuts through alleys during the day when things seemed fine, but I stopped doing that because one of my colleagues was robbed at knifepoint during the daylight in one! We have to try our best not to live life in fear and find ways to live smarter to manage and eventually erase our fears.
We have the same fears for 4, 5, and 8!
Bugs don’t really bother me, but thinking of being close to mice and rats make my skin crawl. They just look nasty and I always imagine them being full of diseases.
I thought I was the only one who feared that very few people coming to funeral. I’m an introvert so I like to have a small close-knit group of friends. I feel comfortable with it at the moment, but thinking there might be only few people coming to my funeral is a bit sad.
I have recurring dreams of my teeth falling out — all of them, I guess the same as you of driving a car with no brakes. Freaks me out every time.
I used to fear that my grandmother would pass away anytime soon a couple of years ago because of her cancer. It kind of stressed me out. She did pass away eventually, and even though it was hard for us, life went on and there was nothing we could do about it. Yes I still miss her once in a while, but I’m glad that on her last days I was able to have some quality time with her. Now I fear the same thing about my parents, so I always try to visit them once in a while and contact them regularly now that I’ve moved out of the house.
Thanks for your comment. It really helps to know I’m not the only one with these fears!! My mom has that same dream about her teeth falling out. I haven’t had that one before. Although I do have another recurring dream that I’m trying to run away from danger, but my feet are stuck and I can’t move.
Sorry to hear about your grandmother. I really hate the fear of family getting sick.
I love the idea of making a list, and crossing things off as you overcome them!
So many of these apply to me. My parents mean the world to me, and I’ve always had “older” parents than most of my peers. The fear settled in at an early age. I’ve been very thankful to never experience death in my immediate family, but that makes it all the more worrisome. I have no clue how I’ll cope. As it is, they’re very stubborn and dislike going to the doctor, and I just keep thinking something is going to come up. They retired last year and moved away, and we were able to relocate to be closer to them, so I’m trying to take advantage of that.
I still have no idea how I feel about kids. My boyfriend doesn’t really have a strong opinion on it, either. We’ve just decided to hold off on that discussion for another few years, as we have time. Hopefully I’ll have a clearer picture then.
I have been so afraid of fear and rejection, but it’s gotten me nowhere. I’m slowly getting out of my comfort zone, little by little, and each time, it feels a bit more rewarding.
Lastly, I absolutely hate spiders and bugs. Of course, we moved to a place with bigger insects, and we’ve been seeing some really creepy looking ones lately! I’m not sure if I’ll ever get over that fear. Ick.
Good luck on sorting everything out!
It’s hard to beat the feeling of being able to cross something off! 🙂 That’s fortunate you were able to relocate to be closer to your parents. Thanks for your long comment and sharing some of our shared fears. With time I think we’ll get over our fears one at a time.
My that’s quite a list Sydney. I admire you to try to tackle it by writing it all down and sharing it to get further inputs. Don’t overwhelm yourself though. It’s okay to have fears. It’s normal. But if they consume your life, that’s when the problems take over. So if you are taking these steps to avoid this, then you go girl! But one more thing on that topic, a fellow blogger, E.M. @ JourneytoSaving.com wrote a good post recently on Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Good and maybe this can apply in your situation.
I have fear of my Dad dying because I know he won’t be around much longer but he is in pretty good health considering he is 89, but he has kidney problems. I lost my Mum at 73 suddenly, so I think my fear is partially tied to this. To combat my fear I just have to spend the time with him now very wisely so I don’t have any regrets. I am fortunate though because we live in the same city. I think the list of things that you gave about your parents is very appropriate.
Oh and listen to wise Sam. 😉
Thanks for your thoughts Debs! I don’t feel like my fears are consuming my life all the time, but they definitely are present a lot more on some days than others. I wanted to write them all down as a way to help prevent them from overtaking all my thoughts and to clear my head. It feels like a weight off my shoulders to put everything down in writing and just get it all out there.
I’m sorry to hear about your parents. That can’t be easy coping with your dad’s illness. It’s gut wrenching to see people we loved be in pain. You are very fortunate as you said that you live in the same city, so you can rush out quickly for emergencies and also plan visits a lot easier.
I will probably have to figure out a way to relocate my parents later on if it comes to that.
Hola Sydney,
Thanks for sharing with us your fears! All of them are definitely something I’ve felt to some degree in the past.
1) I want my parents to be happy and healthy. We all do. I look forward to taking care of them when they need help as an honor and a duty, even if it means 10 years, or 20 years. Having the flexibility to move to take care of them was a reason why I wanted to start an internet business. If you can some how turn the thinking around to being “our turn” to take care of them after they took care of us for 18-22 years, I think it will help!
2) You have the #1 resource around with regards to engineering your layoff and negotiating your severance. You’ve been at your firm for so long, you are golden! Don’t worry about this. Change is scary, but exciting. I went through it and came out OK after 2.5 years, and so will you.
3) If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. I also think it would be amazing to be able to adopt a child in need. Perhaps look into it!
4) How can you be a failure if you have friends and family who love you, an amazing and stable job, and a great site that you’ve kept up for over 3 years in a row? That is a SUPER SUCCESS! Well done!
5) I hear you on this one. Ending up alone would be horrible. My heart always hurts so much every time I lose a loved one or a pet. It hurts so much that sometimes I don’t want to love, for fear of the pain of the loss. We’ve got to cherish the time we have with our friends and loved ones now.
6) Conquer your other fears and this dream will go away.
7) Mace in the face!
8) You are 1,000X bigger than the insects 🙂
Don’t worry Sydney. Everything will be OK!
Sam
Thanks so much for your thoughtful and thorough comment! I had a good laugh when I read “mace in the face!” lol. That is a good idea though. I’ve always thought I’d end up spraying myself by accident but maybe not.
I will try not to worry so much!