Standing in the station in Kuala Lumpur, waiting to board the overnight train to Singapore, I saw them pushing through the crowd. They were looking for certainty, wanting to know. They looked American, young, fresh organized and uncertain, a couple traveling. He, especially, looked unsure, but she was more determined, pushing forward to find ‘the right man’. She held a neat bound volume of tickets and itineraries. This was a well planned ‘trip’, probably RTW (Round The World, or Return To Work, as I call it). She was in control, she was going to ‘sort it out’.
In a long line for security at O’Hare in Chicago, I could see the couple way behind us. They were in their 60’s not really comfortable about traveling. They had reached the bottom of the escalator where the attendant was checking boarding passes. They had not checked in yet! They fought through the crowd to get to the check-in line. She led the way, pushing through, he followed, defeated, not caring. She had got it wrong again! The man thinking, “Why won’t she just let me do it?”
You have probably guessed that I am a man and I travel a lot. In fact I travel all the time, it’s my lifestyle. I travel with my partner, working, house-sitting or just enjoying myself. It’s been four years for her and two for me. We travel together writing and speaking on issues of masculinity and femininity.
Traveling
Traveling brings out the worst in people and puts them on the edge. It stresses them and puts their relationships under strain. Yes, we all know about the need to spend time on our own and the necessity of not taking things personally, but how do you deal with situations where you have to be together, where you don’t have the space to be generous and understanding. Security lines, late check-in, missed flights, lost baggage etc. As a man traveling with your partner how do you deal with all this?
Our relationship is based on polarity, essential for electricity between men and women. I believe a man is best when he is in his masculine power. Perhaps I am old fashioned, but I am not sexist. Men are great at being focused and determined and ‘solving problems’. Women are great at looking at the bigger picture and stepping in when things don’t happen. When a man focuses on his presence and certainty he is able to do what’s necessary to guide him and his partner through all the difficulties of travel. When a woman focuses on her trust for the man she backs him up, let’s him guide, but keeps an eye on the wider view, the one he may not be seeing.
So how does this work out for us in practice?
We book travel together, splitting the tasks fairly equally. She is good at googling around finding new ways to go, seeking out bargains. I am good at making decisions, arranging schedules and tying it all up. I carry the passports, tickets and itineraries. I set the alarm clock, I get us to the airport in plenty of time. I understand her need for certainty and her desire to be relaxed. I always over-schedule time to allow for delays, taxis not turning up, traffic etc. I allow the time needed for packing and we always have time to spare, time for a relaxing coffee or a bit of shopping.
Trust and Surrender
She now trusts me, she knows that any problem can be dealt with. She lets me be in charge, she allows me to be the man. It works well this way. There are no arguments and we enjoy the traveling.
But she is always looking and thinking, not to check up on me, she long ago stopped doing that, to see what I am missing, the signs telling us where the taxis are, a quicker way through security. Because she doesn’t have to think about the detail she can look at other things and because she trusts me I don’t take anything she says personally.
This only works if the man takes the initiative and shows the woman that she can trust him. It’s not for him to tell her what to do but to show that he can deal with it. She is then able to let go and truly enjoy the experience. If the man doesn’t do this the woman just takes over, it’s what she needs to do, she needs things to work.
Often then the man reacts to this and gets upset, creating an argument. Eventually he gives up, like the men above, blaming the woman for being a ‘control freak’. The truth is he is the one who has given up to avoid a fight!
The Way Forward
How can you take this into your life?
As a man what should you do?
Focus on your Masculine Power, be sure of your own certainty. Know that you are what you feel and that you can do whatever you want to do.
Just be there for her, no matter what happens. Be consistent and show that you are trustworthy. Never doubt, never be unsure.
Treat your woman like a Goddess, do everything for her, satisfy all her needs. Don’t question at this stage just fully embrace it.
You may feel very strange doing this, that’s OK, it is strange. I can assure you it will be so worth it, your relationship will blossom and your traveling will become so much fun.
I don’t even know where to start… I can’t believe they published this “don’t worry, it’s not sexist because I said right here in the article that I’m not sexist” article on Untemplater. A man should guide and a woman should trust? Because a man is best when he is in his masculine power?? Excuse me while I go vomit. I’m not too terribly worried about this author because there will be no changing his mind, but shame on you, Untemplater.
Wow! Frances! You are clearly open and flexible… Just watch my feet while you vomit! So to you I am sexist… maybe you just don’t like how it works. I am talking from my experience of men and women, and I can assure you what I say is not because I am rigid or bigoted. It’s my point of view based purely on experience. You have yours based on what? And do you mean shame on Untemplater for publishing something you don’t agree with… wow! that seems very rigid to me. Are you not open to other points of view?
I disagree with this article. Okay, maybe I should be more specific and say that I disagree with your tone. You write this as if it is solid, set-in-stone facts, but we know that is balderdash. Of course there are differences between the sexes, but women are not always all big picture, while men are not always detail oriented.
I am half of a traveling couple (the female half) and if I wrote an article on the sexes it would be the exact opposite. I am just like you. 100% the detailed planner, the decision maker.The person who sets the alarm, and holds the tickets. It’s not because I’m a man in a woman’s body, it is because people all have different personalities. We have the more anal, planning personalities while our partners have a more relaxed attitude. It’s great to find a working dynamic, but has nothing to do what sex we are. After all, you and I do the same thing and we are opposite sexes.
You should have written more qualifying statements such as “in our relationship,” or “our dynamic” instead of just throwing a blanket on your specific personalities and saying it relates to “all men” and “all women.”
Another point I would disagree with is that travel is stressful on a relationship. Perhaps you just have a troubled relationship. People expect that when you travel, things magically fix themselves. That whatever problems you have, unhappiness with yourself, your partner, your situation, disappear the second you step on the plane.
But long time travelers know that is balderdash. You might forget about your problems for awhile, but they always creep back up on you. Your problems don’t go away with a change of scenery. Even though we all try to leave our “emotional” baggage at home it finds it’s way to us eventually. (Too bad real luggage isn’t as persistent.)
So if you have a stressful relationship while traveling, maybe you should look at your relationship as a whole. And no, I don’t mean little arguments about which direction to go, or where to eat dinner, everybody has those, but why does traveling add a strain to the relationship? Have you been masking some negative feelings by avoiding each other back at home (with work and other diversions) that you can no longer avoid now that you are together all the time?
In my years of traveling I have found that couples in a healthy relationship get along much better when they have hit the road. They find that many of their petty arguments about whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher means nothing once their expand their horizons. They discover new things about themselves, and their partners, and they revel and enjoy this.
Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go set the alarm, and double check our luggage because we have a flight to catch tomorrow! Seriously!
Becky, thank you for your considered reply. There is much there that I agree with. Yes, if you have a stressful relationship while travelling it’s about your relationship not the travelling. One of the reasons I have no stress currently is because I have a great relationship and the article lays out one of the reasons it is so great. What I mean about stress is that, for a lot of people, travel itself can be very stressful. When you add a troubled relationship the result can be explosive.
With regard to your disagreement over my tone, all I can say is that I am clearly talking about my experience and my relationship. It is factual with me and my partner, we live it every day. Through my experience I am giving some guidance to men who struggle with their role as men.
I am glad you are the detailed, anal personality… I would love to hear what your partner feels… I trust he agrees with you.
Of course we are all different, but I have been amazed in my travels to discover patterns that are more universal. The patterns displayed by the sexes do have the similarities I talk about. You may not like it but it really does work. It’s not set in stone it just lies underneath so much behaviour.
My partner and I do a lot of work with men and women, much of it exploring the difficulties and issues they have. Many women gain a strength, much like you show, because their men feel unsure about their masculinity. I am not saying this is the case with you. The polarity I talk about can work equally successfully with a strong woman and a more ‘relaxed’ man. I know many cases where this is the case but not many where the man is truly happy.
The strength of a relationship is key and will deal with anything. I’d love to hear more about yours, what is the underlying strength, what is its basis?