The decision to start a family is completely natural to many people but not for me. For the last few years I’ve continually wondered, when is the right time to have kids? And do I even want to have kids at all? When I was growing up though I always assumed I would raise children because that’s what I thought everyone is supposed to do when they get older.
It wasn’t until my friends started getting pregnant, some for the second or third time, that I started to have serious doubts about the whole thing. My reservations started increasing as I witnessed the strains kids put on their marriages, the time and energy they were putting into caring for a baby, and how their lifestyles changed.
It all felt really odd to me that I was having these unsettling feelings, especially as I feel like most women seem to have the total opposite reaction as me, and start desperately wanting to have kids once their friends start getting pregnant.
Research And Observations
About this same time last year, I got to the point where I had babies on my mind all day long. I wasn’t getting any younger, and I felt stressed that I couldn’t figure out if I wanted kids in my future or not. My subconscious couldn’t relax because I was so indecisive about the whole thing and I felt restless and unsettled. I talked to my husband about it a lot, but knew I had to do some soul searching on my own in order to get some peace of mind.
Being the type of person with a tendency to over analyze things, I ended up spending hours and hours researching pregnancy, childbirth, infant care, costs, and stats on couples pre and post starting a family. I also spoke with a ton of my friends asking for their advice and several of their answers stuck with me:
“There is never a perfect time to have kids.”
“Kids are a lot of work.”
“All of my time goes to my kids.”
“My husband barely helps out. I have to do everything.”
“You have plenty of time to have kids, don’t rush it.”
“Get a nanny if you can afford one.”
In other words, none of these responses led me to want to dive into starting a family! Of course they also had plenty of great things to say too, they just weren’t enough to convince me I’d be happy raising kids.
The Wrong Time To Have Kids
It makes me so sad when I hear stories about couples with kids splitting up. It happened to my parents and it was awful. Ever since I found out I was an “accident”, I can’t help but wonder if my parents would have been happier people without me. Of course I’m so thankful to exist and be alive, but I do feel bad that my parents were basically forced into getting married and went through so many years of fighting before they finally parted ways.
I also recently found out a family friend of mine is pregnant with her second child. She’s been living with her mom for over a year due to marital problems, yet she intentionally got pregnant again because she’s always wanted to have two kids. Umm, I was speechless when I heard that. Why do so many people think that having kids will save their marriage or make decisions like that without really thinking them through? I wish her all the best, but I think she picked a bad time to have another baby.
The Best Time To Have Kids
I’ve made peace with the uncertainty of kids in my future and now I don’t think there’s anything bad about not having children at all. I think the time will be right if and when my husband and I are both equally on board and truly excited about starting a family. Right now that eagerness just isn’t there for either of us. It amazes me how some couples intentionally have kids when only one spouse is really ready. That’s not fair to the health of any relationship, nor the child for the matter, and I won’t take that chance.
Being healthy, and financially secure are another two big determining factors in deciding on the best time to have kids and I still have a ways to go in those areas. I also really want to travel to more places before trying to have kids or I know I’ll have regrets later. And I want to make more strides in my career first because I have so many goals I want to reach while I still have a lot of time to myself. All in all I haven’t ruled out the possibility of kids in my future, but I’m happily content without any for the foreseeable future.
Untemplaters, when do you think is the best time to have kids? For those of you who are parents, how ready were you when you had your first? If you could step back in time would you have waited longer, less, or not changed anything at all?
Interesting article, that I found googling around to find the pros and cons for having children or not.
I have been with my husband for 2 years, we married last year and our relationship and love is strong. In the beginning he was all for kids, and got that sparkle in his eyes when he talked about having toddlers.
Now, he’s not so sure any more (the change of lifestyle etc – we live a very comfortable and financially stable life as it is… Do we dare change it??). And I’m still right there where I were last year. I know I’m dying to have his kids. I just don’t know if I’m ready to die yet…
My issue is age. He’s 43, I’m 31 – so my fear is, that we’ll be too old before we actually both feel ready.
I’ve always claimed that I would never have children. But now I find myself longing to be pregnant and having that little new life in our life… But at the same time it scares the living … out of me.
In reality I don’t think we’re quite there yet. Had we been 25 I would have said – let’s live a little and wait. Maybe that’s exactly what we should do?!
Thanks so much for your comment! It’s good you are in touch with your feelings and are thinking through this big decision. It doesn’t sound like you two are ready right now and that’s totally ok. Kids lead to a lot of changes and not all of us are destined for that or will be truly happy with all of those changes. One interesting insight a friend of mine told me recently was “you can’t just think about if now is the right time to have kids, you also have to think about how you will feel five years later.” What he meant by that is whether you and your spouse will have the energy to keep up with a kid(s) in five years when they are older, super energetic, and constantly want your attention. My friend wasn’t ready for their first child which was an accident and said he really has a hard time keeping up with his kids now because he himself is older and has less energy.
Have you considered adoption at all? I met the sweetest couple recently who adopted a little girl and was so moved by their story. They waited to start a family until their late 30s/40s due to their careers. They are so passionate about others and decided to adopt after some difficulty conceiving. I always wondered if a parent could love an adopted child as much as a biological one and I have no doubt anymore after meeting them. It is amazing how much love they have for their daughter. The husband said “adopting her was the one thing I am most proud of in my whole life.” I realize adoption isn’t for everyone but if you are open to the idea you don’t have to worry about health risks by waiting and have more time to figure out if kids are in your future or not.
I think if both you and your husband get to a point when you’re both really excited about kids along with being financially stable you’ll be ready. Without that excitement and commitment to everything that comes with raising a family from BOTH of you, it will be a rough and very long journey.
Having just returned from a festive break with friends and their little ones I am again questioning the huge sacrifices myself and my partner will have to make in order to accomodate a baby. I am 43 and begining IUI treatment. I am concerned that our lives will completely change and not for the better; the holiday adventures we planned to take together to far off places, the nights out, the long imprmptu weekends and all the fabulous work I could have achieved in my rewarding career will have to stop should baby arrive not to mention the sheer exhaustion and stress we will now face. My partner is desperate for children and longs for our own adorable family. This all sounds very cosy in a book but it’s my life and I am panic stricken. I question my reasons for having a child against my reasons for not. My fear is regret.
I completely understand how you’re feeling and hope you can express what you’re feeling with your partner as soon as possible. You shouldn’t try to get pregnant if it’s primarily to make your partner happy, especially since you will be the one carrying the baby. Added stress won’t be good for you or the development of the baby. Kids are such a long term commitment that it’s not fair of your partner to pressure you into IUI either if you’re not ready to become a parent. I suggest you consider putting IUI on hold and have a heart to heart with your partner. I think it’s better to regret not having kids versus having kids and regretting having had them. If you’re already wishing that the IUi doesn’t work, please stop the treatments now while you still can. Best of luck with what you decide.
My opinion: definitely only have kids if you are married and your relationship is very strong. You have to be 110% sure that you and your spouse are in it for the long haul, no matter what! Kids will kick your a** (not literally, I hope) and wear you out. With that being said, I can think of nothing that could possibly be more satisfying and rewarding.
As far as the timing, think of your hobbies or things you enjoy doing in your spare time. Could you survive if you couldn’t do those things any more? Would it kill you to only be able to do those things on a VERY limited basis? If you intend to be a good parent, that is the way it is going to be. Kids will be your new hobby! This was my greatest struggle as a new parent, but over the years I’ve been able to let go of my old hobbies and learn to enjoy parenting more and more each day.
I’m definitely not ready to give up my hobbies right now but I like how you say “kids will be your new hobby” because I imagine even with its challenges it must be so rewarding and fun, especially watching them grow and develop their personalities. Hopefully as your kids get older you’ll be able to get active in some of your old hobbies again!
I love seeing little babies. Love playing with them and just acting like a big goofball. I want kids, but don’t know either when to have kids. Though I love kids, it’s a huge commitment and completely changes your life. I do want to enjoy being a married couple and travel as much as we can. Once we have kids, those times will be limited.
But I definitely think being financially ready and the relationship is stable is key as well. There’s going to be lots of “it’s your turn to change the diaper” when it’s 3am. 🙂
That’s awesome you’re comfortable being around kids and I think it’s smart you want to enjoy being newlyweds without kids for the time being. Yeah I can’t imagine how hard night feedings and diaper changes must be every couple hours. I’ve heard the first three months are the most exhausting.
Great post and thanks for sharing your thoughts on a personal subject. Baby Inspire is coming in a few months. Things felt right. I’ll keep you posted, haha. I’m no psychologist, but seeing your parents split up is weighing on you and having kids. However, it sounds like you and your husband have good communication which is important for life changing matters like this one. Sounds like you are in a better place. Good luck in whatever you decide!
Thanks Buck. That’s exciting your little one will be arriving soon! I’m looking forward to hearing about your experiences. Best of luck to you, your wife, and Baby Inspire!
I think you hit it with “I think the time will be right if and when my husband and I are both equally on board and truly excited about starting a family.” — and also with “There is never a perfect time to have kids.” Maybe that sounds silly, but I think both are equally true.
Teamwork is priceless in marriage and I imagine it’s the same with parenting too. Having kids is not a decision to be taken lightly as it’s at least an 18 year commitment and I imagine more often than not it’s more like a 22-25 year commitment for each child.
Mrs. 101 and I were older parents, and the time was about right for both of us.
“About right”, because we could have used another year for some fun vacations.
But I’m quibbling…. The little savages are an absolute joy. 🙂
Good to know about getting in good vacations first. We don’t plan to travel much for the first 3 maybe even 5 years if we have kids because we’ve seen how hard it is for other people when we’ve been on flights. Road trips would be an option though as that should be less stressful than flying. I’m glad you guys are happy parents!
I think your logic is sound. With three wonderful (sometimes sassy) kids I can confirm that they are energy sapping, career altering, vacation reducing, financial stressing, exercise preventing little people.
You both need to be a committed to the team to make it a successful experience for yourselves, and the children. However, if you want a career and children, it truly can be accomplished, no matter what some distractors may tell you. I see successful women in business, academia, science, government, everywhere that are also mothers. It can be done.
Alternatively, I think you can have a wonderfully fulfilling life without parenting children of your own.
Kids amaze me with the amount of energy the have! Every time I see my little cousins and my friend’s kids they are always giggling and bouncing off the walls. I’m a bit jealous of their energy!
I think it’s awesome your wife is working and enjoys what she does. Several women in my office came back to work after having their first and even second children and are really happy with their balance. It’s good to know there are ways to keep a career going while also raising a family.
Great post and excellent question. I found this post through Financial Samurai’s tweet!
We were 30 when we decided to have kids. My husband and I had been in a relationship for 10 years by that time and we decided we were as ready as we’d ever be. We were also financially stable. I always wanted kids (2 of them). Even though our son was born when I was 31, we were the first of our close friends to have a child and I was actually quite surprised at how hard it was. In fact, it was so hard (and difficult on our marriage, even though we’d been together 10 years with rarely a single fight!) that we decided to stop at one child.
I have to say, having one kid is AWESOME. I had to do a lot of research and put up with some ridiculous comments, but right now (our kid is 5 and just started kindergarten), it is great. He is really fun and has taught me a lot. I think that for me, having a child was more about taking a leap and doing something hard to learn more about life and to learn about myself. My mom always told me that her kids taught her more about herself and about life than anything else. This is what made me want to have children and she is absolutely right. I have a completely different perspective on the world now and have a much better idea about what is really important.
Having one kid has a lot of benefits and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I struggled a lot with this decision, but I knew that I didn’t really want any more kids. For me, my marriage and my relationship with my spouse was really important and this was a key reason for stopping at one.
We also retired before having kids. Both of us stay home with our son and it is a lot of fun and makes things much easier. We were frugal and saved a lot and basically stopped working for our child’s youngest years. Now that he’s in school, we have our time back and can work if we want. It was a small 5-year sacrifice and now it is really rewarding.
Having said all that, know that if you don’t want kids, you don’t need to have them. It’s great to have a choice and fine to say no. It’s not for everyone. Kids take a lot of time and energy and the rewards are great, but it is like another full time job… if you have more than one kid, then the time it takes to get your life back is doubled. Some parents thrive on it, but I wasn’t one of those people. I love having my son and I would do it again for sure, but I’m really happy with my choice to stop at one.
Howdy Mrs. MM! Sounds like you’ve got the right balance.
What type of ridiculous comments were you putting up with? Not sure I follow.
Also, how did both of you retire at age 30?! That’s awesome! Pls share what you did.
thx!
Hi FS!
The comments were about having an only child. Some people seem to think it’s cruel to just have one (ie. kids need siblings!), but I’ve done my research and I know my child and we are a very happy family. So there! 🙂
Yeah, balance is key when you’re a parent (or anyone for that matter!). It took me a while to get to this place, but it’s a sweet place to be…
We “retired” by saving in our younger, higher paying years, and being frugal (but not extreme). Right now, we have a paid off house and we basically live off the income of a rental house (our current investment). We also work part-time occasionally for fun. Our family of 3 lives on between $20 and $24K per year (without a mortgage payment) and we feel like we live pretty luxuriously. I guess it’s just a matter of having enough and not really feeling like we need any extra stuff. We try to spend time together instead.
There’s tons of info on the Mr. Money Mustache site if you want to get into the specifics. Thanks for asking!
Gotcha. I read up and commented on y’all’s site.
Living off $24,000 is a good feat for 3! Does that include your rental income, or is that basically all from rental income?
I’ve been thinking about retirement as well, but I think I want to go until early 40s since I like what I do.
S
Thanks so much for your comment Mrs. Money Mustache! I don’t think it’s cruel at all if a couple has only 1 child. One of my friends had a son and knew within a few months that she didn’t want to have any more kids. She had a difficult pregnancy and even though her husband wanted more kids they’re settled now with 1 and are loving it. They have the perks of being a family and can spend all their time focused on one child.
Nice job on retiring young and being financially secure!! That rocks 🙂
As someone who has kids and currently miserable I can relate.
Oh no, sorry to hear things are tough for you. I hope things turn up for you soon. I’m scared of having uncontrollable kids like the ones on those Supper Nanny TV shows. One of my friends with three kids says the personality differences between his children is crazy so you really never know what you’re gonna get. I think good parenting makes a world of difference in children’s behavior but I can’t help but think what if we have a child who constantly gets into trouble and doesn’t listen. That’d be so stressful and frustrating. I think I’m more afraid of having to raising teenagers though!
Mrs. RB40 wasn’t ready for kids, but we were getting close to 40 and I really want a kid. It was a big decision, but it worked out for the best. We are always busy with the baby, but we are both really happy with him. He brings a lot of joy to the family.
Mrs. RB40 doesn’t like changes, but I know from experience that some changes are good for her. Yes, I pushed her to have a kid, but we couldn’t wait any longer.
Good luck. You’ll figure it out. 🙂
Thanks for sharing that! Among most of the couples I know, the women were the ones pushing their husbands about starting a family, so it’s neat to hear that it was the other way for you guys and it all worked out well. I’d rather not be too close to 40 if I was going to have kids myself because of the health risks. I think if my husband gets really excited about starting a family that will make me feel a ton more comfortable about becoming parents and will get me excited too. Right now neither of us is in a rush so there’s no pressure.
Sydney, the biggest miracles in life are accidents. Thanks for sharing your story and thoughts as I appreciate reading this from a female’s perspective.
Perhaps having kids is like wanting to be with someone or do something. When you know, with at least 80% certainty, you know. I don’t think we can ever be certain of ANYTHING more than 80-90% of the time. Nothing is a sure thing. We just make due with the info and feelings we have.
I’ve seen kids break up A LOT of relationships. Stress from work, stress from health, stress from finances, and then stress from parental responsibility can be a devastating mix.
If one can afford help around the house, I think for sure get it. And if the stay at home parent can find an outlet to keep mentally busy i.e. working online or from home, then that’s important.
Most importantly, both partners need to be on the same page. Work and talk things out, and things will be fine.
Best,
Sam
Thanks Sam! I really like your note on 80% certainty. There will always be things we can’t anticipate in life so we really won’t know 100% if a decision is right until after we make a choice and experience the results.
Your other comment reminded me of a couple I know who sadly split up shortly after the birth of their daughter. They weren’t married and didn’t plan on getting pregnant so it was quite a challenge for them. Even though they are separated now, I can see how much they love their daughter and are finding ways to make raising her in two separate homes work.
It looks like the article lists many reasons to not have kids – and the top of the lists would be “for political reasons”. If you are doing it to change a partner’s behavior, get family off your back, or to change the opinion of someone – you’re not in it for the right reasons.
As the the flip side of the coin? It may never be perfect, but there are certainly better times to have kids… usually in times of career success, when the net worth is under control, and health isn’t an issue.
I’m not sure I totally follow your reference to political reasons. In any case I know I’m not ready now and I think the best time for me will be after I get my career in better shape with the flexibility to work remotely, after I get some more stamps in my passport, and have saved up more money when I don’t have to worry about being able to afford costs for education, healthcare, private lessons and activities, etc.
I mean – don’t do it for someone else, do it for yourself. Your parents, friends, and others might put the pressure on… but it’s all about you and your partner.
Ah got it thanks. Yeah my mom used to pressure me a lot with “when are you going to have a baby?” even before I was married! I finally had to tell her to stop bothering me because it may not even be in my future. She eventually stopped bringing it up especially after I hammered in that it’s great she’s supportive of us having a baby but since she wouldn’t be the one raising him/her she shouldn’t expect me to grant her wishes!
I’m definitely one of those people who say that there is never a good time to have kids. There will always be something else to do, buy or save for. I’d say do the things that you really, really want to do first because there doesn’t seem to be too much time later and you are no longer the priority. It is absolutely worth it though, having kids will change you forever (in a good way).
That is a big reason why I want to wait because I love to travel and I know it will be very difficult to fly with young children, let alone tour around places. I’m thinking to get in at least 3 more international trips over the next few years if I can while I still have the flexibility. That makes me happy to hear it’s totally been worth it for you!
I am not yet a parent, so these are only my thoughts. I don’t know when is the best time, since there probably is no “best” time, but there are definitely many “worst” times. Such as, when the girl is 16, or the couple is not married and has no intention or plans to stay together for the long term, or as you said, when only one partner is ready!
There’s no perfect time, but if two partners are emotionally and financially ready, then that could be a good time as any!
I can’t even imagine what pregnant teens have to go through. High school is awful enough on its own at times and being pregnant on top of that would be such an enormous challenge emotionally, especially if their parents don’t offer them any support.
My wife and I started having children after 5 years of marriage. We were financially secure and emotionally stabile. Now my children are grown and successful in their own right.
That’s awesome Krantcents! Having your kids grow up and watch them succeed must be so rewarding. It’s good you didn’t rush things until you were both ready.
5 years sounds like a good waiting period. Thanks for the heads up.
Echoing the other commenters, my wife and I are waiting until we’re financially secure. This doesn’t mean that kids won’t effect our budget, but that we can take care of ourselves and not be straining to do that.
Also, we want to have a few years of being married first – building that strong relationship foundation that one needs to survive life together, not just kids. One of the things I keep hearing is to keep your marriage first, even before the kids.
I agree with that. There’s no need to start having kids right after getting married. It takes time to get adjusted to married life and it’s so important for the health of relationships to spend time together and talk about big changes and to take the time to get prepared first.
From a financial standpoint, there’s never a ‘Good’ time to have kids. You’re always going to have increased living expenses, a good possibility of reduced income, and lifestyle changes. That said, you shouldn’t have kids if you can’t even afford to pay for your own basic needs as you will not be able to provide for someone who is completely dependant on you. If you’re in the middle, then you should move on to whether you’re emotionally ready and mature enough to handle the responsibility.
My wife and I had a plan of when we wanted to have kids before we even got married. It really helped us prepare on so many levels and made the transition from being a couple to being a family much smoother.
Talking about kids before marriage is so smart and something everyone should do before tying the knot. That’s great you guys were prepared and on the same page.
It gets me so upset that some people who are seriously struggling financially keep having kids just to get welfare money. It’s so sad for the kids.
I’m not sure when the best time is to have kids, and I don’t plan to have any soon. In my mind I’d put that off as long as possible, but I know some women (like my girlfriend) don’t want to wait til they’re 40 to have kids. Healthy and financially secure are important, but there aren’t really any hard rules for when that is, if ever.
Yeah age is a tricky one. The health risks go up a lot after 35 but there are women who have had healthy babies in their 40s and even 50s. But the other tough thing about waiting too long is having to raise kids in your 50s and 60s! I’m glad you are comfortable putting it off for now. It certainly isn’t the type of lifestyle change people should take lightly!
Being healthy, financially secure *and* ready emotionally – all three factors should play a role.
Some doors are shut when you have a kid (impulsive run to the movies or checking out that new restaurant, traveling!), but then new, magical doors are opened as well!
Being ready emotionally is a big one and my biggest weakness among all three right now. I have a feeling once a few more years pass I’ll warm up to the idea a lot more but if not that’s ok too. I love spending time with other people’s kids but I admit I feel relieved that I don’t have their responsibilities right now and that I can still learn from their experiences. Kids can be so cute and do the funniest things.