Have you every given relationship advice? Do you think you’ve helped a few friends navigate the dating minefield or reflect on their marriage? Consider becoming a relationship coach.
As a relationship coach, I get to change lives every day that I work… and I get paid for it. Not a bad deal, huh? That can take some getting used to for people that usually give their advice away for free. I also have control over my hours, and I can run a 100% virtual business. If you have a cell phone and a laptop, you can coach your relationship clients, and get paid, from just about anywhere in the world.
You will have to get used to people relying on you for major relationship decisions (which can be a lot of pressure, depending on how comfortable you can be with that kind of responsibility). However, the greatest feeling is when your clients come to you thanking you personally for saving, starting, or even ENDING their relationships.
What is a Relationship Coach?
As a skilled relationship coach, I can transform relationships for the better. What does that mean? Think about it… In your relationships, what do you really want? Of course, you want to feel happy. You want to have more good feelings as a result of being in that relationship versus bad feelings. In fact, most relationships don’t break up because of money, or cheating, or ‘irreconcilable differences’. They break up because one or both partners started to feel more pain associated to the relationship than pleasure. PAIN is the ‘last straw’ in a relationship, while ongoing PLEASURE (sometimes called ‘fulfillment’) can be a cure-all.
When a relationship coach works with a couple, they need to evaluate whether this relationship is going to be a long term match, and then help the couple make changes, decisions, and take actions that will make them happier in their relationship.
A great relationship coach needs to help the couple make changes in the three most common ‘challenge areas’:
1. Honesty and Communication (Are the partners being honest with each other and are they communicating fully and in a loving way?)
2. Love and Respect (Do these two ‘lovebirds’ really love and respect one another or do they harbor resentment and contempt?)
3. Commitment and Consistency (Does each partner plan to be together for the long term, or are they planning their ‘exit’? Do they both consistently ‘attend to’ (and pay attention to) each other’s needs?)
When you’re in a relationship long enough, you’ll tend to take your partner for granted. However, when a relationship coach steps in to the picture, the partners start to pay a lot more attention to the issues at hand, simply because the relationship coach is a new ‘player on the field’.
How Relationship Coaches Work Their Magic
Being the relationship coach is no simple task. You’ve got to encourage people to undergo relationship coaching in the first place, and then keep them engaged in the process, especially when the clients are the most challenged and uncomfortable.
Some of the most common challenges I’ve encountered during relationship coaching:
1. FEAR: Many times, in order to get a relationship to succeed, the partners will also have to face the possibility of losing the relationship altogether. If your wife is doubting whether she made the right choice for a husband, and you just found out about it, you can imagine the kind of fear you might feel (not to mention, how unhappy you might be with your relationship coach!)
2. LAZINESS / APATHY: Want to turn your relationship around? It’s hard work, period. If i’ve got a partner who is lazy or apathetic about the whole thing, it’s pretty hard to drag them along for the ride.
3. FANTASY: Believe it or not, fantasy is the enemy of a long term, passionate, and loving relationship. Movies, magazines, advertising, the internet, and TV have sold people a fantasy in order to sell their products and services. The problem? Fantasy gets people unhappy with a perfectly good relationship (they think there is something wrong if they’re not married to a super-model!), or it convinces them that a certain type of relationship is going to be the most fulfilling for them (just note how many women have been caught unhappy with their sports-celebrity husbands). It’s not easy to bring both partners back to reality and convince them that real life is better than the fantasy.
Stay tuned for Part 2 where I’ll cover some key steps on how to become a relationship coach and my magic pill technique for helping clients.
Jeff I have a strong desire to become a relationship coach but I feel lost, I don’t know where to began. My only experience is my friends and family who depend on me for advice despite my age of 27 years old. I have a strong desire to become a coach, can you help me off to the right direction.
p.s. If it’s not to much trouble can you reply to my email address I am more likely to get your response that way.
– Gillespie
That sounds like a very rewarding career indeed 🙂 My friend went into clinical counselling for family and relationship counselling, and she recently ended her relationship of 4 years, but found love somewhere else.
I guess being in tune with relationships really makes you evaluate your own and what you want.
To me, I think that as long as the foundations are there (trust, honesty, communication, common interests, and ability to laugh at yourselves), any relationship can be successful. I would rather have passion (and some arguments here and there) than a relationship that was dull and agreeable. 🙂
It’s good to be clear about what you want in a relationship because not all relationships are the same! Some are very stable and low-key, while others are a real roller-coaster ride.
Jeff
Awesome post Jeff. Can’t wait to read part 2. 🙂 I used to advice friends on how to go about their love life. And I do try my best to give them the solution they need. I even got a nickname for doing that. Haha 🙂 Thanks so much for sharing. Have fun.
That’s how it starts… then suddenly you’re doing it for a living!
Jeff
Very interesting! Is this different from counseling?
Coaching is generally more active than most counseling. Think of a counselor as sitting in the chair, listening to your issues. That’s a more passive process. Think of a coach the way you would think of a sports coach: They practice with the team, and run up and down the sideline shouting plays to the team. Although they don’t directly put the ‘ball in the goal’, they win and lose along with the team, so their ‘butt’ is on the line.
Of course, both coaching and counseling share similarities. Both are ‘people helping’ professions, and both expect the practitioner to facilitate their client’s improvement at some level.
Jeff
One aspect of “happiness” in a relationship, as I see it, is people want to be accepted (as a good friend of mine used to say) “guts, feathers, and all”. In other words, exactly as we are…the good, the bad, and the ugly without anyone trying to “fix” us.
I also love the quote by Antoine de Saint-Exupery that goes…” love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” Having a “mission” or “goals” for the relationship, as the context for the relationship, can help each partner be fulfilled individually such that they have resources to bring to fulfill the needs of the relationship.
Great points, Sue. When we start to look ‘outward’ together, we lessen the tendency to treat each other solely as objects. Of course, passion partly comes from a more objectified mindset, which creates a paradox in relationships…
Jeff
I didn’t realize there were relationship coaches. I know there are coaches to help get the girl. So this is like a more casual therapist? Also is this your side job because in your bio there’s no mention of it. Look forward to the rest of the series.
Benny – I guess the question is what’s more important, figuring out how to get the girl, or how to keep the girl and live a long and happy life together?
‘Get the girl’ and ‘keep the girl’ are two different skills! And vice versa for ‘getting the guy’.
You can have great ‘chemistry’ with someone, and have no long term interest because there are no shared values, so you end up with an ‘affair’. However, you can also have many values in common with someone, but no chemistry (i.e. no passion or attraction), so you’ve got a ‘buddy’, or the ‘old ball and chain’.
The ideal is to have both chemistry AND shared values. Then you’ve got a LEGENDARY relationship!
Jeff
The difference is that a coach works with the client as if they are healthy (i.e. there’s nothing wrong with them). A Therapist diagnosis wounds and disorders. That’s not my job as a coach. Relationship coaching is a muti-faceted industry… Some coaches help you with your dating, while others work with you on your relationship, marriage, divorce, family, social life, etc. We could easily list 20-30 niches under the big category of ‘relationship coach’.
I coach three days per month, which pays my monthly expenses. The rest of the time I can spend growing my other businesses. One is a consulting business (including a team of ten coaches), and in the other, I actually train people to become professional coaches (in terms of the coaching skills and how to get paying clients). It’s great, because I can test what works on my “guinea pigs” (whoops, I mean ‘clients’! : ) ) and then teach what works with my team and other coaches within our community. There’s great synergy in the businesses for me, and a great way to make a difference in the world without me doing all the leg-work.
Jeff
P.S. I have one ‘admin’ day in addition to my weekly ‘coaching day’… basically, a two day work week. Not quite Tim Ferriss, but getting there. Of course, Tim’s got Tiger Blood… an unfair advantage. : )
Hey Jeff.. you are it! I’m glad I finally came across what I’ve had in my mind. I pretty much agree with every point you’ve made so far. I too have been helping people in their relationships for years. I hear and feel that I’m very good at it! 🙂 It’s what truly make me feel good inside knowing that I’m helping someone realize what they have, where they are and where they want to be in a relationship, as well as encourage and give people hope that they can make their life what they want with just a few new steps and practice! I appreciate the details you laid about your business and I believe its a great start for myself. I look forward to reading/learning more! Thanks!
One of my friends recently went to counseling with her fiance and it helped them a lot. They were able to talk about things they’d been holding back for a while in a neutral environment without fighting and yelling, and were able to really listen to each other. I think having a third person observe how couples interact and help them see each others point of view can make such a big difference. Do you typically meet couples together, each person separately, or with just one person without the other knowing you’re involved?
Many times, I’ll just meet with the partners separately. They each have their own issues to work through, and it can help them to work it out on their own without the distraction and influence of the other partner. Sometimes there are situations that definitely call for both partners to be present.
For example: If the couple has a ton of resentment or they are experiencing communication or emotional problems, I can guide them in their communication and interrupt habitual patterns.
Another example: A great exercise is to have the couple remember the first time they had feelings for each other and then look at each other while they keep those feelings in their mind. This brings those ‘forgotten’ feelings into the relationship in the present moment, and re-ignites the passion and love they have for each other.
Usually, honest and open communication is the best policy. If I’m working with a client and they refuse to tell their partner that they are working with me for the purpose of their relationship, I can already predict that this relationship is on it’s last legs.
Jeff
That’s a really good point. The fact that they want to keep it a secret from their partner that they’re seeking help about the relationship is a warning sign of troubled waters. Thanks Jeff!
Very interesting Jeff. How did you happen to become a relationship coach in the first place? Was it a traumatic event, or a beautiful relationship that spurred you? How do you charge for your business eg hourly or package duration etc?
Communication is key, and I try to be very upfront and say what is making me happy, and what is bothering me. Taking someone for granted is easy, and I see a big benefit in a relationship coach in putting things back into perspective.
Thnx, Sam
I think I became very driven to help others with their relationships because of the drive to improve my own! Of course, being an expert in how others can improve their relationships doesn’t guarantee that you’re going to do so well yourself. Plenty of relationship gurus have become famous for having some real relationship problems. No one is immune to that.
I’d never charge hourly because it tends to give a relationship coach a lower income in the end. If you charge for the RESULT you’re promising the client, you’ll be able to maximize your income. Why? Because the results are very valuable to your client, and you can charge accordingly… even if it takes 5 minutes to produce the result. Sometimes, if the process takes a lot of time, you’re client values it less, because they want the result NOW!
That ‘third party’ aspect is very valuable. We get so used to reacting to the same person, while someone new has no pre-conceptions attached, which forces you to think with a ‘blank-slate’ (They call it ‘beginners mind’ in Zen Buddhism). Powerful stuff.
Jeff