I’ve recently discovered the downside of caring. When you care about making something a success or helping someone get out of their rut, it becomes incredibly frustrating when they don’t take your advice. After being ignored one too many times, I give up. I will happily go with whatever you say and my words now consistent of, “Yes sir!” “Yes ma’am!” “I’m happy to do whatever you think is best.” “I’ve done what you asked.”
Am I the only one who gives myself over completely to someone who’s been there and done that? One of the absolute keys to rising up is finding a mentor and LISTENING. Your mentor will tell you about the traps and hidden doors. Your mentor will shake the stupid out of you to help you see reality. It’s up to you to take advantage of a situation, or burn it to the ground.
It’s idiotic to think you know what’s best when you don’t know jack shit. I used to be a know-it-all growing up until I lost a bunch of money in the stock market and got passed over on a promotion one year for being a pompous jackass. Thankfully I grew up quick or else I would still be knocking on zero in my mid-30s.
MAKE SURE THAT YOUR CARING IS WORTH IT
The secret to never being frustrated, disappointed, or offended again is to stop caring.
As a manager in my previous life, I’ve seen so many wide-eyed, eager employees join thinking they can change the organization for the better. After about a year, reality sets in that they are just another cog in the wheel, collecting a paycheck, and unable to make a difference due to corporate bureaucracy. Their enthusiasm fades, as does mine because inevitably we realize we are in the same boat, playing a small part in the overall profitability of the firm.
As a blogger, I’ve received so many e-mails from new bloggers telling me how they’re going to start the Yakezie Challenge, get involved in the forums, help other bloggers out, write 2-3X a week and all that good stuff. I used to be so thrilled to help out until I got one too many examples of people disappearing before the 6 and 12 month mark. I was so disappointed that I decided to cut back on trying to mentor everyone.
There’s only so much caring that can go around before you become emotionally spent. Be parsimonious with how you allocate your resources because you’ll eventually burn out.
A STRATEGY WORTH CONSIDERING
Financial freedom is worth striving for because you no longer need to do anything for money to survive. You only do things you think or know you’ll enjoy. As soon as things aren’t what they seem, you feel relieved there’s no need to be locked down at all.
If you haven’t achieved financial freedom yet, then I suggest you care for only those who demonstrate an appreciation for your help. It’s practically impossible to help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. They’ve got to work through their insecurities and fears first before being able to progress.
It’s not worth going through life frustrated. Don’t feel like you have to force your way on anybody, especially when you know your way will work based on your experience. Let folks fail on their own if they don’t want to seek or listen to advice from someone more experienced. Eventually they’ll come around. In the meantime, you’ll enjoy the tranquility of living a life on purpose.
Remember this phrase as you collect your paycheck,
“I’m happy to do whatever you think is best.”
Related post: Maybe It’s Your Fault Why Wealth Inequality Continues To Worsen
Readers, have you ever tried to teach, guide, consult, or mentor someone who would continuously not take any of your suggestions? Why do you think younger or less experienced folks refuse to listen to people who’ve been there? Do we need to fail first to succeed?
Regards,
Sam
You take an interesting stance on this. I can definitely say that I’ve tried to stop caring about people’s problems when they don’t take my advice or do anything to better their situation. Sometimes I find it very difficult to do so, though.
I guess when I need to not be disappointed I just tell myself that I did the best that I can, and if my friend didn’t want to listen to me and keeps complaining about the same old b.s., then they really aren’t a good friend after all.
Enlightening post! Thanks!
I have found that young individuals are not seasoned enough to the world. Kind of like all young people believe in helping others and giving to the needy. Until they work 40 hours a week for 3 years and see what the government takes out of their checks.
Haha, yes indeed.
I love the bright eyed “I’m going to change the world” attitude that is first demonstrated. Give it 10 years and let’s see if the person still loves their job.
I have a friend who is having sort of a quarter life crisis right now and she won’t do anything about it. I can’t stop caring outright, since she’s my friend and I do care for her well being, but I’ve accepted that it’s out of my hands and whatever she decides to do is her choice.
Great article and great comments. I feel like giving “tough love” is the correct response in these instances. With employees, I try to give them little obstacles and goals. If they can accomplish the little ones, I give them bigger ones. All the while, I’m really expecting them to fail so that when they do succeed, it gets me to start caring a little more, maybe investing my time a little more as well. Relationships are always give and take. I think Michael at Save Invest Grow has a good point when he says don’t assume people aren’t listening to you. I feel the same way…they will listen and even comprehend what you’re saying. Getting them to change their bad habits is another story.
It’s worse if they are listening to you and decide to disregard the advice!
So again, the key is to just stop caring and go about our business.
I don’t think you *need* to fail before you can succeed; it’s just that (barring luck) the odds are usually stacked against you when you enter a new environment with fresh ideas. Most times legitimately, but sometimes not.
Being self-employed my whole adult life, I’ve hired and fired more folks than I care to think about. I get my share of younger employees that think they are going to just roll on in and exert their will, but much more annoying are the ‘older’ ones who long ago learned how to manipulate and play politics.
Gotta learn the politics to survive!
I believe most people need to hear a message multiple times and usually from multiple sources before they can assimilate ideas that are radically different from their own. This might be part of the reason that younger people seem more resistant to advice.
I try not to nag but I don’t give up trying to share what I think ( admittedly a fine line there). I gave up CARING about whether they change; it’s their life to live as they choose. I do not give up trying. It might be that they then hear the message from someone else later in life…and it clicks because they heard it somewhere before. Who knows? Years from now maybe someone will try with the same person and be amazed at the changes. All because the message was stored in the back of their mind from a comment I made once.
I like that you differentiate between giving up on Caring but not giving up on Trying.
I can totally relate just in different circumstances. I have tried so many times to give close family members finacial and budgeting advice. While I’m not a professional financial advisor, my personal finance knowledge is decent and I’m really good at making and keeping budgets. So when my family members brush off my advice and do the total opposite and blow their money on junk I get upset. I get pretty angry and frustrated, and my stress level totally goes up.
I had to stop caring as much as you’ve suggested. If they want to go bankrupt and worry about money forever, then so be it. I can only do but so much. In the end they can only blame themselves for where they end up.
It’s tougher when a family member is involved b/c we obviously love them more than anything else. I would simply calculate a worst case scenario. Once you do, you know your downside risk and if it just takes money to fix it, then so be it.
Solid advice Sam! I always wanted to ask how you handled people dropping off Yakezie or those who quickly fade. Now I know and will apply this to myself. Thanks!
I’ve been in the same situation before too. One of my biggest faults is that I “care too much” at times. I think its important to strike a balance. I can’t stand people that don’t care at all and think the rules don’t apply to them. Also, I wouldn’t be so quick to assume that people aren’t listening to you. People (especially younger folks) often want to try their own way first. Its just human nature. Of course some people will never get it and don’t see value in getting help from others with more experience, but that’s their loss. I think that if you’re doing the right thing by helping others, over time its going to pay off one way or another.
From now on, I’m going to share my advice and let folks try their way with no qualms. Perhaps they will succeed to going a different way than I recommend. There aren’t any certainties in life.
Taking charge or control of your life is the first step. The second (big) step is no longer dependent on a job. It meant being able to pick work I enjoy versus need to survive.
Buddha preached pretty much the same thing! I guess it takes a few failures to realize we can’t control everything!