We all take dating way too seriously. We rush it. We’re impatient. We force it. We settle. We’re afraid. We’re exhilarated. We quit. We do nothing. We repeat it all again. We forget why we’re doing the damn thing to begin with.
Can dating be totally brutal? Can it be extremely uncomfortable and awkward? Can it be completely ridiculous? Of course…dating can and is all of those things. But learn to enjoy them. Find the fun in the details, not the end game.
Trust me, your friends that married their college sweetheart (nothing wrong with that) are definitely not taking a cab on a random Wednesday to meet someone for a dirty martini. Could he be a complete mess, sure. Could he be Mr. Right, perhaps. But if you’re thinking about those things you’re missing the point. Do this for you.
Find the little details that make the monotony worth it all.
One of my most favorite things to do in the entire world is to take a cab at nighttime down a certain patch of Lakeshore Dr in Chicago, IL. Yes I know this sounds extremely dull but hear me out.
I like to wait for the night, when the city lights are shining at their brightest. There’s a stretch in between Illinois St. and Randolph St. on the right hand side (if you’re heading South). You’ll be approaching the Chicago river and several newish condo skyscrapers surround it. Cutting through them all is the Trump Tower and city skyline completes the background.
As I drive past the river the lights reflect off all of the panes of glass just right and the river becomes luminescent. Right there…it hits me. Boom. All of the pains of the big city seem to go away. Traffic seems not so bad. My long day of work melts away. It’s hard to explain but that’s my moment. That’s my happiness all wrapped up into 8 seconds of a smelly cab ride.
For the most part it’s an uneventful drive and I’ve literally done it a thousand times…but one drive something seemed different. It took 6 six years of the same old cab ride to notice it…but I became conscious. I wasn’t texting anyone or checking emails. I wasn’t rolling my eyes at the sh-tty NPR radio voice blah blahing. I wasn’t lost in space trying to forget I was going out for yet another night to a bar I’ve stood at 100 times before.
I was present, and it forever changed the way I looked at taking a cab. No longer was I angry to pay what seems like $110 / gallon to trek across town. No longer does my skin crawl when I try to determine if the cab driver is talking to me or his blue tooth. I’ve found the minutiae that transformed the ordinary to not only tolerable, but enjoyable.
Now apply that same principle to dating.
What moment makes the same old routine become worth it all? Find the one aspect that has nothing to do with your date, something that’s yours. Find the little detail that makes it worthwhile.
Maybe it’s the way you feel when you get dressed up. Maybe it’s the wink you give to your doorman knowing you shouldn’t be playing on a work night. Maybe it’s the songs you can blast at full volume while getting ready. Maybe its look your dog gives you before the front door closes. Maybe it’s the exhilaration of the unknown.
Whatever it is…find it, and make it yours. Learn to enjoy the ride.
Scott, thanks for sharing!
I know exactly what you mean. On my morning commute, I pass by the university football stadium. It doesn’t matter how cold it is, how annoying traffic has been, or what I’m listening to… it all fades away for that block as I see the early morning sky highlighting the stadium and the trees beside it.
This has nothing to do with a love of football, as I don’t follow the sport. It has to do with being there, in the moment, and enjoying its beauty.
Fantastic Matthew! Kudos to you finding your “scene”. Def makes for a better ride. Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment, I really appreciate it.
I don’t think it has much to do with the screening process, at some point dating becomes work. I know that after a long week of travel or working all day, even if a girl I have been wanting to take out has some time that night, a couch alone can often seem like a better alternative. But many times if you’re just out a few nights a week meeting people, regardless if it’s a networking event or a drink / date…it can take a little extra umph to get jazzed about it. For me, finding something to get you out of that mind frame seems to work. So I thought I”d share. Thanks for the comment and stopping by my post, I appreciate it.
Hi Scott, don’t want to digress on the left field. But, do you have any suggestions on being codependent on a partner (having your happiness depend on their validation). And knowing that when the inevitable happens (break Up). You end up having the short end in the relationship, therefore, having more heartache, and suffering more…..Aside from the blah blah ….if she don’t love you the same, why you even with the person….. I need some mental strategies bro, some really good reframing strategies of some sort…………Thanks a Bunch Scott.
Wow, Leon. Honored by your comment for coming here for such personal advice. And how frightening that I’m actually offering relationship advice in the first place!! But here goes…
*Disclaimer*
-I’ve been there, I think we all have.
– It’s always easier to offer advice than to take it
– Without knowing all the details and without personally knowing you…
It’s time to start asking yourself some questions that only you can answer. Take some real time to truly reflect here, I feel a growth opportunity.
Before I drop knowledge bombs from the relationship hot air balloon, lets first get on the same level of absolute truths.
1. All things end.
a. Summer
b. Relationships
c. Life
d. Grey’s Anatomy (I’m still waiting but trust me…it will end too)
2. You never know how the other person is truly feeling after a breakup. I can put on a pretty face (cause lets face it, it’s pretty) and go about my business while being crushed inside. But if you really think that this breakup will leave her a lil bruised, meanwhile you’re only surviving on Doritos and Jack Daniels, then who wants to love someone who doesn’t love them back. You both deserve better.
3. There is no short end of a relationship…that’s short sided thinking and life has a funny way of working out if you let it. The ending of a long relationship I had in about the worst way I can think of sucked…bad. But ever since then I’ve been blessed with amazing new people that continue to come into my life, all because a breakup opened up new possibilities. Yes people get kicked, hard. We can’t choose the things that happen to us, but we CAN choose the way we react to them. Yes, as the shitty song Closing Time by Semisonic says…”every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end” actually does kinda have a point.
So these are the truth cards in my deck. Now…
Anytime your happiness is dependent on someone else, you’re going to eventually be left unhappy and disappointed. Besides, if “she don’t love you the same” that’s not a codependency…that’s you handing over the keys to the shiny red sports car that has your happiness in the trunk. Eventually, that car is going to fly off a cliff and explode in a fiery explosion of drama.
You need to truly learn what makes you happy. When you’re beautifully 100% happy with who you truly are, you don’t need anyone’s validation but your own. Make that a goal.
But bottom line, if you’re asking why you are with someone then I think you may have your answer. For me…the only acceptable answer to be with someone long-term is because I can’t imagine a life without them.
But then again, like I said in the disclaimer…it’s always easier to give advice than to take it. Keep your eyes open, your mind clear, and your heart warm…and you’ll usually be alright.
Keep me I the loop bro.
Scott
I get what you’re saying, but, if you find dating to be monotonous and a hindrance to life, you might need more work on your selection/screening process.
Ooops…I meant to reply directly and apparently I just added another comment stream instead. It’s below, thanks for the comment!
Wow, very nice post. I think you nailed it, too. I think a lot of people post-college try and cram themselves into a template and a timeline of how they think their life is supposed to be. Graduate high school, go to college, get married, have babies, etc… Everyone’s rushing to be the first to move on to that next phase, and they don’t truly experience what is going on around them NOW. I was definitely guilty of it, and I think I was lucky enough to get back some of the things I had foolishly passed on the first time.
Thanks for the comment Tommy. I couldn’t agree more with the box or “template” we often try and mold ourselves in. That may work for some, but for too many others it does not…hence this blog being titled Untemplater. I know I need to make conscience efforts to slow things down. I tend to look at the final goal and forget to take attention to the process. More often that not, it’s the process that I miss most.
You’ve brought tears to my eyes and smile to my face! What a wonderful story!
The reality is that it is those very details that we remember and that become the subject of nostalgic conversations. And when we relive those details, we may very well get moist eyes, but for sure that smile appears, too.
I’m also reminded of the epigraph at the beginning of E.M. Forster’s “Howard’s End” –
“Only Connect”
And sometimes those details do connect us in a very special way
Wow! What a complement Dr. Drozdal, thanks so much for the comment. I was hesitant to publish this blog post because I wasn’t sure if my thoughts were drawn together enough to make sense to anyone else…I appreciate the validation. It really is the smallest details that stick out the most, both good and bad. For me, I really need to slow things down to truly appreciate them. But when I do, the rewards are immense.
All too often, we overlook the beauty of the mundane. It really is all about living in the present moment and savoring life’s simple pleasures. For those of us who need help slowing down, “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle is a good place to start.
Geez, Scott… I knew you were smart and good looking, but I didn’t realize how sensitive and Zen you were!
Well now Veronica, now you’re just making me blush. 🙂 I def could use some help and guidance slowing down. If I remind myself, I’m pretty good about it. If it’s a typical day and I’ve had 17 espressos from Starbucks then maybe not so good. Always happy to get new reading material and I’ll be putting “The Power of Now” on my Amazon list. Thanks for the kind words.