How To Thrive When Love Feels Like Criticism

Is there someone in your life whom you love who has a tendency to harp on you constantly? Perhaps it’s one of your parents, a spouse, sibling, or a best friend. You know they mean well, but their words still land heavy and it feels like you just can’t catch a break. Let’s talk about how to thrive when love feels like criticism.

I understand the reason why the phrase “constructive criticism” exists. But, I frankly have a very hard time receiving it. Looking back, I’ve felt this way my whole life. Thankfully, my parents weren’t too critical of me growing up. But anytime they were I did’t feel good about it. Teacher comments on my report card hurt my feelings. And whenever my bosses gave me a “needs improvement” score on my performance reviews, I’d start fuming.

Why I dislike constructive criticism

I’m a pretty introspective person, but I haven’t really sat down and thought about why I don’t like feedback. So, here goes. I suppose the biggest reason is because I’m already a very harsh self-critic. I had very low self-confidence growing up. At the same time, I was also a perfectionist and always wanted things done just-so.

I’ve had to let go of my perfectionist tendencies for years mostly due to a lack of time. And, although I don’t have low self-confidence anymore, what I have now is constant self-doubt. I suppose they are similar emotions. But I feel self-doubt is more along the lines of feeling deflated and overwhelmed at the same time.

Since I already am so hard on myself, when other people tell me I’m not doing well at something, I lose hope. Without hope, it’s hard to feel any motivation to keep going. I have to imagine that one of you reading this has felt this same way before. Let’s change that!

Why are some people so critical of others?

Our biology and psychology are so incredibly complex. It’s no wonder that human to human interactions exacerbate this fact. But why specifically are some of the most important people in our lives super critical?

Sometimes people have good intentions to help someone, even though it comes across as harsh. They might believe they’re pushing someone to be better, without realizing that their delivery is doing more harm than good.

There’s also situations when criticism comes from a place of insecurity. People who feel insecure about themselves or their own lives may project those feelings onto others as a way of deflecting attention from their own vulnerabilities. It’s often easier to point out someone else’s flaws than to confront our own, right?

Other times, some people are just inherently more judgmental than average. Maybe they were raised in environments where criticism was the dominant form of feedback. If you grow up in a household or social circle where harsh or constant criticism is the norm, it can become ingrained in how you communicate.

Ironic right? Someone may grow up being constantly criticized and dislike it, yet, as a result, the negative, toxicity of their environment may lead them to also become judgmental of others, making it a “natural” part of how they communicate as an adult.

The Impact of a Criticism-Heavy Environment on Emotional Processing

Growing up in an environment where criticism is common can shape how someone handles emotions like shame and disappointment. Without being taught healthy ways to deal with these feelings, they may struggle to process them. These emotions can build up, leaving them feeling overwhelmed.

In such environments, children often learn that their value comes from external validation. They lack intrinsic motivation. If they’re not encouraged to develop self-compassion or emotional resilience while they’re young, challenges in adulthood can result. As a result, when they face shame or disappointment, it can be difficult to reflect on those feelings in a constructive way. Often, these emotions are pushed aside rather than worked through.

As adults, these unresolved feelings might be directed outward, often toward others. Instead of turning inward to understand their own struggles, they may instinctively blame or criticize others to deflect from their discomfort. Over time, this reaction becomes a pattern, making it harder to process emotions internally. They might not even realize they’re doing it, since it’s something they learned early on. This lack of emotional processing can create tension in relationships and prevent personal growth.

Why is it hard to deliver constructive feedback in a nice way?

Constructive feedback requires a balance of honesty and empathy. Many experienced teachers are really good at this. They have a way of helping students recognize areas they need to work on while having the proper tools and words to encourage students to keep trying. Meanwhile, many managers, friends, and family members are horrible at delivering constructive feedback.

Some people struggle with balancing honesty and empathy because it can feel difficult conversations are simply uncomfortable. And figuring out how to phrase things in a way that feels supportive can be tricky and hard to do on the spot. They might focus solely on the problem without offering solutions. Or they may fail to acknowledge what the person is already doing well, ie the sandwich method. Not highlighting any or too few positive reflections can make the feedback feel more like an attack than an opportunity for growth.

Also, some people haven’t been taught or don’t have the emotional intelligence to recognize how their words affect others. They might lack self-awareness or not realize that their tone or phrasing is too harsh. It can also depend on how much they care about the person receiving the feedback—if they feel distant or detached, they might not take the time to be thoughtful. Or they may just assume that because they’re close to the listener that they can speak freely, but they wind up harping without any filter.

Here’s how to bounce back from continual criticism

It’s tough when someone you love is constantly critical because it can hit harder. But there are a few ways to protect yourself emotionally and keep your sense of self intact:

1. Understand their intentions

If it’s someone you love, they may not be trying to tear you down, even if it feels that way. Sometimes, people just don’t know how to express themselves constructively. Have an open conversation about how their words make you feel. You just might be able to help them learn a better way to give feedback.

2. Set boundaries

You don’t have to tolerate constant criticism. It’s okay to set limits and say, “I hear what you’re saying, but I don’t think this way of talking to me is productive.” If it’s a pattern, you can communicate how their feedback affects you. If they truly care, they’ll try to adjust how they communicate with you.

3. Seek external support

Sometimes, it helps to talk to other people who understand your side of things. Whether it’s friends, a therapist, or a mentor, getting an outside perspective can help you maintain your confidence and remind you of your worth.

4. Recognize it’s about them, not you

Often, when someone is constantly critical, it reflects their own issues—be it insecurity, frustration, shame, or a need for control. It’s not necessarily about your flaws, but about their inability to communicate or deal with their own emotions in a healthy way. Keeping that perspective can help you release feelings of hurt and not internalize their words as your own truth.

5. Focus on self-affirmation

When you’re constantly critiqued, it’s easy to lose sight of your strengths. Take time to acknowledge your achievements, remind yourself of your value, and practice self-compassion. Surround yourself with positive influences who uplift and encourage you.

Here are some of the best self-affirmations by mood and moment to help cheer you up and give you HOPE for a brighter tomorrow.

You got this!

At the end of the day, criticism is inevitable, but how you handle it is within your control. The key is recognizing your value, even when others fail to acknowledge it. You’re strong and can navigate those tough moments going forward without letting them define you.

Untemplaters, did you grow up receiving a lot of criticism as a child? How about now as an adult? What has helped you the most when receiving feedback?