I am good at giving advice. This is not to say I’m good at giving good advice. Honestly, I’m just good at giving advice I like.
The hard thing about getting advice is, as humans, we have a tendency to ignore and discredit advice we don’t like, while heavily weighing advice we do like. The dangers of this approach are that we still don’t know what to do and end up just doing what we want, which may not always be the best decision.
Here’s a checklist I go through whenever I need to disseminate what is good advice and what is BS.
#1 – Has the adviser done this before?
Experience is king. The best advice givers write and speak about things they know. Trust the person who has experienced something similar to your problem or has achieved a goal you are aiming for.
#2 – How well does the adviser know me?
Blanket advice is rarely useful to understand situational problems. The best advice is tailored to your specific situation and who you are as a person. Weigh advice given by someone who asks you questions more heavily.
#3 – What are the adviser’s motivations?
Beware of the tendency of humans to give advice that benefits them. Everyone does it. If you are working with a career coach, remember they are trying to sell you something in the end. If you are working with your boss, remember he wants to advance his own career too.
#4 – How much can I trust this adviser?
Even if someone has experience and seemingly good intentions, if he has a questionable character, I still might not take his advice. Look at the way this person has handled situations in the past. Are this person’s techniques consistent with your own values?
What else is important to cutting through bad advice? Leave your thoughts in the comments section.
Geez, I have a weekend with my son and look what I miss! I actually wrote a post about this back in February (http://restlesslikeme.com/you-arent-qualified/) and the resounding feeling was “fuck’em”. More often than not, I see people giving out advice freely without having any bearing or knowledge of the situation whatsoever. It’s one thing if I as a web developer offer some advice to a problem you might be having with your own site. While I may not know the particular problem, there’s a good change what I am saying is at the least relevant. However, that doesn’t mean I can just tell you something I heard or read out of a book. I have actual experience to back up what I’m saying. Same goes for just about anything else. I don’t ask my plumber for legal advice.
The problem is that you are looking from your perspective, not necessarily the right thing to do when seeking advice. The point is that you don’t know the answer/direction/way to go. You need to open up and start to trust other people more.
Specifically:
#1 – Has the adviser done this before?
How are you going to know this? Do you need a history of someone’s life before you listen to them?
#2 – How well does the adviser know me?
Unimportant, relating the advice to you is your problem. You underplay the help you can get from general advice.
#3 – What are the adviser’s motivations?
What does it matter? The motivation may be suspect but the advice still good.
#4 – How much can I trust this adviser?
Why do you need to trust them? It’s for you to implement the advice.
So does the fact that you don’t know me, I don’t know you, my motivation is to put my perspective and you have no idea whether you can trust me mean that you can’t listen to what I have to say, no matter what it is? Apply this widely and you really may be missing out on what could change your life.
I disagree. Most people look at *giving* advice from *their* perspective. They should be looking at it from yours, if they are to be good advisers.
You can listen to what anyone says and still apply these rules. You’re stating your opinion on an article I wrote. I’m listening to you. That has very little to do with advice-giving, or finding a mentor, which is what the article is about.
I’m certainly not going to change my life based on anything you’ve said. You haven’t earned that with me. This comment probably will not change your mind either, because I haven’t earned that with you. Trust is not as necessary in listening, but it is everything in implementation.
I agree that listening to what someone has to say is different from taking advice from a mentor. You do develop a relationship with a mentor based on trust, trust that is earned over time often based on the advice they give.
I wouldn’t agree with your last paragraph, though. You’re right in that we haven’t earned trust with each other, but that does not stop either of us implementing something we hear/read. Often trust is gained because someone implements advice they get from someone else and it works or turns out to be accurate. Thus starts the trust-building process. Sometimes you have to start with a stab in the dark or you might miss what could be most valuable.
My real comment is a piece of advice (!!!) that you can be too closed, to your own detriment. It matters little to me, or anyone else, if you take advice or not, but it can matter to you, you could gain from it.
Right, but whether you are literally referring to me or not, your advice is unsolicited. Did I come to you with a problem? No. Did you ask me any questions about my situation or try to consider me specifically in the process? No. Did you try to gain my trust first? No. Did you break my trust? Kind of, because if you knew me you’d know I’m the opposite of closed off :). If you haven’t taken the time to know at least that much, why would I listen to you?
I’m using myself in the above as an example, but that’s the point. Broad advice, whether right or wrong, is usually unsolicited, and unless someone has searched for it on Google, it’s not going to get through. The advice is about you, not the person you’re giving it to. So what was the point? If it matters so little to you that I take your advice, why say it at all? Or is it really even advice? Are you just sharing your viewpoint on the issue and telling yourself that you are giving someone advice that could help them?
Tread carefully w/ Monica, Graham! Your last point about being too closed to one’s own detriment is so very true.
If it makes you feel better, I’d take your advice and think about what you’ve said. I’m wide open, and whether I implement your advice or not is up to me.
Cheers mate!
Best is to just listen to your elders. Trust me on this one. When you are in your 20’s, you think you know everything, but it’s hardly the case. It’s hard to see the bigger picture.
Secret to success is finding a mentor who will set you straight!
I honestly don’t know anyone in their 20’s who thinks they “know everything” or who could benefit from the cliche advice to “listen to your elders.” Your comment actually comes across condescendingly to me. Maybe that should be point #5.
I don’t think age has anything to do with it. Everyone need mentors who have done what they want to do and who are willing to answer questions and craft a road map for the mentee’s personal situation. What people don’t need is a mentor or an adviser that has his own agenda or projects his own experiences too heavily onto the mentee.
When I write “you”, I’m using it as the “universal you”, and not Monica.
But, it’s interesting that you took it as a personal attack on you, which is not a surprise. I used to take a lot of things more personally too.
Forget about getting advice from elders. They always have agendas.
I didn’t take it as a personal attack, really, I just think the comment is condescending to all 20somethings. The people I know who are in their 20’s are highly driven and trying to learn as much as they can from their bosses, coworkers, and mentors. Also, you could easily replace 20something with 30something, 40something, etc. No matter how old you are, there is always someone older than you who has more life experience and wants to project their life experiences and outcomes onto you and what you’re doing.
“Forget about getting advice from elders.” Like I said, I don’t think it has anything to do with the person being an “elder” to you, I think it has to do with the person having more experience than you in whatever you are trying to accomplish. Often, that person will be elder to you, but they don’t have to be. If I wanted to become famous, for example, I’d happily take advice from Miley Cyrus.
Yes, it is logical if you’re in your 30s, to take advice from someone in their 40s and so forth.
The game has been played time and time again as so many have been where we’re going. To not take some advice from our elders is foolish. History repeats itself, always.
I’m sure you can do it all Monica. There may be one day you’ll be stuck, unsure what to do. Maybe it’s best to just ask for advice from someone instead of wading through muggy waters.
It’s funny, we’re just talking about your point #1, yet you’re using your point #2 to discredit.
I hope other people can chime in on this conversation we’re having, but alas, it is so quiet here now.
Monica,
As a casual observer, and reading of all these comments, you sound very defensive. Your response exactly fulfils the stereotype of Generation Y, where you think you know it all, and anybody who comes close to telling you otherwise gets their face ripped off.
Ask yourself what makes you so special? What have you done? You’re probably only like 29 or 30 years old with not that much work experience because you went to graduate school. Why should anybody listen to you?
This site had so much potential earlier on with the other members and founders guiding content. Now, it just smells of entitlement and attitude, which is not pleasant at all.
Nancy
I disagree Nancy. I’ll be the first to admit that a lot of my generation (I’m the eldest of the founders at a month shy of 30 years old) has quite the entitlement persona. But this post isn’t one of them. What Monica laid out (and furthered in her comments) is the idea that advice isn’t just something to take at face value. I agree with her 100%. Not everyone (regardless of age) has the experience to give me advice that’s relevant. Simply being alive longer than me doesn’t cut it anymore. While previous generations grew up with the ‘listen to your elders’ idea as a set-in-stone ideal, that just simply isn’t the case anymore. Do I personally look to those who have done what I’ve done for advice? Absolutely. But keep in mind Mark Zuckerburg is only 26 years old, and he knows a thing or two about building a business. Many boomers could learn something from him.
Also, the ‘rip your face off’ comment is quite deceptive. Based on what you’ve said, it almost sounds like a ‘how dare you question me’ response.
Oh geez. I have no idea where this comment comes from, honestly. Where did I say I know it all? Where did I say I was special? Where did I say anyone had to listen to me? We’re exchanging ideas. I don’t have agree with every commenter and they don’t have to agree with me.
I’m not even sure we’re reading the same article, but then, that’s just me being defensive and entitled again.
I’ll defer to Norcross for this one, lest I rip any more faces off with my comments.