In a previous post, we talked about how to embrace your good fortune. In this post, I want to talk about the risk of not being happier after getting everything you want.
We know that only the rich or poor say money doesn’t buy happiness.
The rich say so because they have the luxury of already knowing how it feels to have a lot of money. So in a way, there’s some virtue signaling involved.
The poor say money doesn’t buy happiness partly because they’ve never been rich. To help justify their lack of money, it’s easier to believe the pursuit of money is the root of all evil.
Then there’s the rest of us middle-class folks who strive to enter the mass affluent class to enjoy more of what money can buy. But what if after all that hard work and striving, you end up no happier than before, despite having a lot more money?
The Predicament Of Getting Everything You Want
As a father, one of the most important responsibilities is to provide for their family. A father must provide love, attention, time, education, safety, opportunity, and shelter. We can talk about the stresses of being a father in a future post. But for now, let’s talk about a father who is able to provide.
Given I’m a stay-at-home dad, I’ve been able to fulfill many of the responsibilities above. What I wanted most was to have autonomy over my time. If I did, I felt I would be much happier. And for the first five years after retiring in 2012, I was.
Yet, when I look back upon being a father since 2017, there have been plenty of sad or down moments. The difficulty of being a stay-at-home-parent has sometimes made me daydream about getting a full-time job again in order to take a vacation from parenthood!
Hence, even if you get everything you want, you will still feel frustration, anger, and sadness. So in a big way, be careful of idealizing a goal that you think will make you permanently happier. The longer you work for a dream, the greater the potential disappointment.
Buying A House On A Hill Is My Next goal
The online tracking algorithms must be getting better because a poignant song came up in my Pandora station while driving my boy to school. It was entitled House On A Hill by Eric Nam. Given I’m conflicted on buying a nicer house on a hill, these lyrics really connected!
Get a house on a hill, make a whole lotta money
That’s when I’ll be okay
Get a hit, make it big, maybe that’s when they’ll love me
All my problems will go awayOoh, ooh-ooh-ooh
Yeah, the grass is green, but I wish it was greener
Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh
Lately, I can’t help but wonderWhat if I get everything I want?
What if nothing ever fills me up?
What if being happy isn’t what I thought? Oh
What if more is never enough?What if I have everything right now
And I’m missing what it’s all about?
What if being happy isn’t what I thought? Oh
What if more is never enough?Call the shots, be on top, live the life I wanted
But it won’t fill the empty space
All the dots, and the thoughts that I wanted connected
Don’t lead to a happy place, ohOoh, ooh-ooh-ooh
Yeah, the sky is blue, but I wish it was bluer (wish it was bluer)
Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh
Lately, I can’t help but wonderWhat if I get everything I want?
– Eric Nam’s “House On A Hill”
What if nothing ever fills me up? (Fills me up)
What if being happy isn’t what I thought? Oh
What if more is never enough?
Hard To Stay Permanently Happier No Matter Your Good Fortune
The song points to the human condition of always striving for more, yet never being permanently happier once we get there.
After listening to the song I reflected on all the luck I’ve had in my life. I got into so much trouble in grade school that getting into a decent college today would be a nonstarter. To then land a dream job at Goldman Sachs and get the hell out thirteen years later was unreal.
From 2009, when I started Financial Samurai, I began writing about financial independence and retiring early until I made it happen in 2012. Now the FIRE movement has spread to be a worldwide phenomenon.
Except for making it on the professional tennis tour and beating Roger Federer at Wimbledon, I feel like I’ve gotten everything I’ve ever wanted. I got the girl, the money, freedom, the book deal from a major publisher, two kids, entry into the ideal grade school, and Financial Samurai. But I’m not sure I’m happier.
Buying The House On The Hill
My fear now is pursuing my next want, a larger house on a hill. As our kids grow, it’d also be nice to have more space. And the one thing I haven’t been able to give my kids is a large front or backyard to play in. Houses on hills with views are fantastic. But finding view homes that also have flat lots are hard to come by.
What if I pay a whole bunch of money for a new house and my family’s lifestyle is not better? There is even a possibility my family could be less happy if house problems arise.
Since high school, I’ve always feared taking too much risk out of fear of bigger disappointment. The fear of disappointment is the main reason why I applied to cheap public colleges because I knew that worst case, I could always get a job at McDonald’s upon graduation and pay my parents back. William & Mary’s tuition was only $2,800 back in 1996/1997.
My hope is that if I buy the house responsibly, using my net worth home buying guide, I will feel good about the purchase. Maybe I won’t feel happier, but I’ll feel more satisfied because I bought the nicest home I could responsibly afford.
Tragic Optimism Is The Key To More Happiness
Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist Viktor Emil Frankl M.D., PhD. (1905–1997) coined the term tragic optimism in his bestselling book, Man’s Search For Meaning. I believe having a tragic optimism mindset is what helps you take more risk towards a better life.
Here are its main ideas:
The postscript to that book was titled, “Tragic Optimism.” It was added in 1984 and is based on a lecture Frankl presented at the Third World Congress of Logotherapy, Regensburg University, West Germany, in June 1983. Here’s a peak at its main ideas:
Let us first ask ourselves what should be understood by “a tragic optimism.” In brief it means that one is, and remains, optimistic in spite of the “tragic triad,” …a triad which consists of … (1) pain; (2) guilt; and (3) death.
This … raises the question, How is it possible to say yes to life in spite of all that? How … can life retain its potential meaning in spite of its tragic aspects? After all, “saying yes to life in spite of everything,” …presupposes that life is potentially meaningful under any conditions, even those which are most miserable. And this in turn presupposes the human capacity to creatively turn life’s negative aspects into something positive or constructive.
In other words, what matters is to make the best of any given situation. … hence the reason I speak of a tragic optimism … an optimism in the face of tragedy and in view of the human potential which at its best always allows for: (1) turning suffering into a human achievement and accomplishment; (2) deriving from guilt the opportunity to change oneself for the better; and (3) deriving from life’s transitoriness an incentive to take responsible action.
Viktor Emil Frankl
Frankl believes that real happiness comes when we find meaning in our lives—meaning provides the reason to be happy despite the tragic triad. Without meaning, we give up. I tend to agree.
Purpose And Meaning To Keep Going
One of the biggest negatives of early retirement is losing purpose. Therefore, it’s important to retire to something, not from something. If I didn’t have Financial Samurai, I would most certainly go back to work.
Today, my purpose is to run Financial Samurai until my kids are in their 20s. By this time, they will either be gainfully employed and pursuing their passions, or not. And if not, I will have Financial Samurai there to give them something meaningful to do until they find their ideal work situation.
Over the next 20 years, my purpose is to also be there for my children as much as possible. I want to impart as much wisdom as I can before I’m gone. This way, I hope they will find meaning, purpose, and happiness on their own.
Related post on Untemplater: Interview with Sam Dogen, FIRE Movement Pioneer
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I believe a certain level of money can definitely increase happiness primarily when financial independence is reached, money stress is reduced, and more optionality and flexibility opens up.
And I agree with you that it’s not ideal to get everything you want. It’s practically impossible to get everything you want anyway. Without something to yearn for, even something small or large for that matter, I would think a certain amount of emptiness would surface.
You also touch on an important word/feeling – satisfied. I think happiness and satisfaction go well together. I certainly feel happy when I’m satisfied about something – whether it’s having done my best or having met a deadline or having helped someone, etc.
Sounds like you’re very thorough in your thought processes in general and specifically about your decision to buy a new home. Your family is very lucky to have such a responsible, thoughtful, and analytical father! I think the world would be a better place if more people put as much thought as you do into their decision making, especially large decisions. Thanks for sharing!