The decision to start a family is completely natural to many people but not for me. For the last few years I’ve continually wondered, when is the right time to have kids? And do I even want to have kids at all? When I was growing up though I always assumed I would raise children because that’s what I thought everyone is supposed to do when they get older.

It wasn’t until my friends started getting pregnant, some for the second or third time, that I started to have serious doubts about the whole thing. My reservations started increasing as I witnessed the strains kids put on their marriages, the time and energy they were putting into caring for a baby, and how their lifestyles changed.

It all felt really odd to me that I was having these unsettling feelings, especially as I feel like most women seem to have the total opposite reaction as me, and start desperately wanting to have kids once their friends start getting pregnant.

Research And Observations

About this same time last year, I got to the point where I had babies on my mind all day long. I wasn’t getting any younger, and I felt stressed that I couldn’t figure out if I wanted kids in my future or not. My subconscious couldn’t relax because I was so indecisive about the whole thing and I felt restless and unsettled. I talked to my husband about it a lot, but knew I had to do some soul searching on my own in order to get some peace of mind.

Being the type of person with a tendency to over analyze things, I ended up spending hours and hours researching pregnancy, childbirth, infant care, costs, and stats on couples pre and post starting a family. I also spoke with a ton of my friends asking for their advice and several of their answers stuck with me:

“There is never a perfect time to have kids.”
“Kids are a lot of work.”
“All of my time goes to my kids.”
“My husband barely helps out. I have to do everything.”
“You have plenty of time to have kids, don’t rush it.”
“Get a nanny if you can afford one.”

In other words, none of these responses led me to want to dive into starting a family! Of course they also had plenty of great things to say too, they just weren’t enough to convince me I’d be happy raising kids.

The Wrong Time To Have Kids

It makes me so sad when I hear stories about couples with kids splitting up. It happened to my parents and it was awful. Ever since I found out I was an “accident”, I can’t help but wonder if my parents would have been happier people without me. Of course I’m so thankful to exist and be alive, but I do feel bad that my parents were basically forced into getting married and went through so many years of fighting before they finally parted ways.

I also recently found out a family friend of mine is pregnant with her second child. She’s been living with her mom for over a year due to marital problems, yet she intentionally got pregnant again because she’s always wanted to have two kids.  Umm, I was speechless when I heard that. Why do so many people think that having kids will save their marriage or make decisions like that without really thinking them through? I wish her all the best, but I think she picked a bad time to have another baby.

The Best Time To Have Kids

I’ve made peace with the uncertainty of kids in my future and now I don’t think there’s anything bad about not having children at all. I think the time will be right if and when my husband and I are both equally on board and truly excited about starting a family.  Right now that eagerness just isn’t there for either of us.  It amazes me how some couples intentionally have kids when only one spouse is really ready. That’s not fair to the health of any relationship, nor the child for the matter, and I won’t take that chance.

Being healthy, and financially secure are another two big determining factors in deciding on the best time to have kids and I still have a ways to go in those areas. I also really want to travel to more places before trying to have kids or I know I’ll have regrets later. And I want to make more strides in my career first because I have so many goals I want to reach while I still have a lot of time to myself. All in all I haven’t ruled out the possibility of kids in my future, but I’m happily content without any for the foreseeable future.

Untemplaters, when do you think is the best time to have kids? For those of you who are parents, how ready were you when you had your first? If you could step back in time would you have waited longer, less, or not changed anything at all?

I recently had lunch with one of my friends and we got to talking about money and how it can change and even corrupt people. She told me a fascinating story about her cousin Trent, who grew up rather poor and had to work part time jobs throughout school to help his family. Despite his underprivileged upbringing, he loved school, studied really hard, participated in all sorts of student organizations and managed to get into UC Berkeley on a full scholarship.

Even though his college education was paid for, Trent still chose to work while he was in school because he didn’t like feeling idle and wanted to be able to start his own company after graduation. He took lots of business classes, often met with his professors for advice and guidance, and spent all his free time researching and planning for his future. After finishing college was able to take the money he’d saved up and start his own marketing and design company.

He kept his costs low and used his networking skills and alumni contacts to win a few big clients. Over time his business really took off. People liked his work and his positive, can-do attitude. He enjoyed being able to help his clients and prided himself in his customer service. As his business and profits grew, Trent wasn’t able to continue doing everything on his own so he hired a few employees to help with the growing demand.

Everything was going great until one of the employees, Eric, liked Trent’s business model and designs so much that he decided to quit and start his own competing company, copying pretty much everything Trent’s business was doing (note – names have been changed for privacy). Eric was making a decent salary working for Trent, but that wasn’t enough for him. Instead of talking to Trent about getting a promotion or building a partnership together, Eric left and took a lot of intellectual property knowledge and client information with him.

The Lure Of Money

Trent was really disappointed that Eric left like that, but chose not to take any legal action nor try to stop Eric from being successful as a competitor. Trent chose to continue focusing on his own clients and doing what he loves. If I was in Trent’s shoes I’d probably have done the same thing and just moved on, unless my business took such a huge hit from Eric stealing away business that I couldn’t operate anymore. Perhaps if Trent had paid Eric a higher salary he wouldn’t have left like he did, but it probably would have just delayed Eric’s departure not eradicated it.

I think it’s selfish the way Eric left, because he took the opportunity to make more money on his own by copying all of Trent’s ideas, but it was quite a profitable move for him.  My friend did tell me that Eric ended up making triple his previous salary by starting a competing business, and lured away many of Trent’s clients. Ouch. I’d be furious if I was Trent. I mean it’s nice that Eric was able to make so much more money, but the way he went about it was pretty foul. If it wasn’t for Trent, Eric wouldn’t have had the knowledge and the contacts to be successful.

Competition is inevitable in any business though and people copy and steal ideas and information all the time in order to make a profit for themselves. Especially as fluid as data and info is online these days, it’s becoming quite hard preventing others from pillaging and stealing your own ideas, content, products, contacts, and designs.

Be Careful And Protect Yourself

Why do you think money corrupts people and leads them to steal from others? I don’t think it’s solely based on poverty versus wealth anymore, I think laziness and greed play a big part too. Perhaps some of you think what Eric did was smart and completely within his rights.

Imagine for a moment you had the opportunity to triple your current salary right now. Would you undermine someone in order to do so? And do you think your answer be different if you made significantly more or less than you do right now?

Personally I don’t think I could sleep at night if pulled a move like Eric’s. But money makes people do crazy things. It can make our heads spin, over inflate our egos, and consume us with stinginess, and an endless appetite for material things. After all, greed and ignorance are two of the main reasons why lottery winners and professional athletes often go broke. They just don’t know how to handle their sudden influx of income and assume that it will never run out.

The lesson learned here is that if you have anything valuable, there will always be someone who wants to copy or take it away from you for his or her own benefit. For example, if you have a brilliant idea for a new invention, don’t go blabbing about it on Facebook as soon as it pops into your head, keep it to yourself until you’ve acted on it and protected your intellectual property and prototypes.

Untemplaters, what are your thoughts on Eric’s actions? How would you have responded if you were Trent? Why does money corrupt people in your opinion?

My parents have never been good with money.  They were constantly borrowing from their own parents to get bills paid.  It wasn’t something they were proud of and they always emphasized they never wanted me to end up in their situation and have to rely on money from friends or family to survive.  They said money would drive a wedge between our relationships and create a tremendous amount of tension.  For this reason, I’ve never borrowed money from anybody, even when I was broke, or so I thought.

After my freshman year of high school, I wanted out.  I was bullied by a couple kids and just couldn’t stand it.  On top of the teasing and tormenting, there were constantly cat-fights and knife fights in the hallways and in the courtyard at lunch.  Our principal put up metal detectors, but the weapons still kept coming.  I wanted to go as far away as possible where kids didn’t walk around school hating the world and where I didn’t have to fear for my own safety walking to my next class.

MY SINGLE MOTHER

My mother is a clerical worker who was making about $26,000 a year at that time.  It wasn’t much, but it was enough for us to live a decent life in our area.  When I told her about my fears walking through the halls and my dream to go to a different school, she was so shocked at what I was dealing with that she immediately started searching for the best private schools I could go to.  My grades were good enough to transfer, and she found an all girls school that looked promising.  The campus was gorgeous, and the students were actually smiling and normal!  The only (and rather huge) problem was that it cost $20,000 a year, which was an inconceivable amount of money to my mom.

The only chance I had to be able to go there was for me to apply for a need based scholarship.  A couple months and a lot of prayers later, I found out that I had been awarded a sizable scholarship for three years if I participated in extra curriculars and kept my grades up!  It was an amazing feeling, but it still meant my parents had to come up with roughly $24,000 that they weren’t prepared for.  My mother talked to my dad, who lived a few states away, and decided that even if they ended up in bankruptcy, it would be worth it for my safety and my future.

What I didn’t realize then was that I was violating the very principal that my parents taught me.  I was essentially doing what they advised me not to do by borrowing money from them because I wanted out of the public school system!  Even though I was a teenager, I didn’t know any of the details of either of my parent’s financial situation because they never wanted to talk about money.  I knew private school was expensive, but I had no idea how much that kind of tuition money was asking of them given their situation.

When you make only $26,000 a year, it’s not easy to set aside more than one (let alone two) hundred dollars a month especially since my mother had a mortgage, credit card debt, stacks of medical bills, food, clothing and other basic necessities to pay.  After taxes and health insurance, her take home pay was probably only around $1,500 a month, maybe even less.  I had no idea at the time because she refused to reveal her income range to me until well after I graduated from college.

THANKFUL THEN AND MORE SO NOW

I don’t know where I’d be now if I had stayed back in my local high school.  What I do know is that those few years I spent at private school changed me completely.  My confidence started to go up, I actually looked forward to going to school, I could actually leave my backpack out in the halls with 100% certainty it wouldn’t get stepped on or stolen (it wouldn’t have lasted 30 seconds at my old school!), and the quality of the teachers and the curriculum was mind boggling in comparison to my old school.

I had all the help in the world from the guidance counselor for my college applications, and it paid off.  I studied like mad for scholarships, got into the state school I wanted, learned how to network, and used those connections and the knowledge I gained to launch my career.  It was also where I found my best friend, who is like a sister to me.

For these reasons, I’m so thankful for my mother’s sacrifice, and that she believed that school was what I needed.  Both she and my dad even managed to help pay for half of my college education together through government loans, and I worked part-time during college while I paid for the other half on my own.  Now that I know how difficult it was for them to scrape by all those years to pay for my education, I’m working even harder to give back to them, little by little.

Untemplaters, did your parents pay for your education in high school and/or college?  Did you realize at the time how much money it cost them?  Do you feel you have an obligation to pay them back in one way or another?

July is a popular month for mid-year performance evaluations in the workplace.  It’s often a dreaded period for managers who have to scramble to get forms filled out, and an equally antsy time for employees nervous about getting critiqued and having to sit down with the boss one on one.

Evaluations Are GOOD For You

I’ve been managing a team of people at my CRM job for about four years now and I strongly believe that if your current boss isn’t taking the time to give you some type of performance review at least once a year, he/she isn’t doing their job very well.

Everybody is busy these days and juggling more tasks.  That’s still no excuse to put off reviews – managers need to make the time and employees need to participate. If your boss shies away from giving you constructive feedback, don’t just shrug your shoulders and walk away – get proactive and take action.

Check Your Ego At The Door

Regardless of titles and tenure, there is always room for improvement and we all need to be open to hearing constructive criticism.  If you got passed up on a promotion, ask why without getting angry or whiny.  Find out objectively what you need to do to be qualified in the next round.

If you’re unhappy or bored with your current role, for goodness sake ask for new assignments and volunteer to help other departments.  Your manager can’t help you if you don’t speak up and vise versa.  If your mentee isn’t doing a good job they’re not going to improve unless you tell them what they’re doing wrong and coach them how to can get better.

Successful Managers ENJOY Giving Feedback

One of the key skills to being a successful mentor is to learn how to provide your mentees with clear direction, coaching, and development plans on a regular basis.  With just a little practice, it becomes such a rewarding and comfortable experience and is one of the main reasons I love my day job as a manager.  Helping people improve and develop their skill sets is fun and fulfilling.

Because I don’t have a private office, I like to meet with my employees individually about 6-8 times a year in a conference room without the distractions of phones ringing or their peers eavesdropping.  I break the ice by talking about fun stuff unrelated to work like sports, movies, good eats, and vacation plans.  And then I transition into talking about their projects, training, and performance while listening to their concerns, goals, ideas, and q’s.

When you take the time get to know your boss/employee/colleagues, work gets easier and becomes less stressful. Having open dialogues and a strong support system makes such a difference in the workplace.

Beneficial Feedback At Work Doesn’t Have To Be Formal

Only two of the 6-8 annual sit down meetings I have with my employees are actual formal reviews with standardized forms and performance ratings.  I find all the informal talks in between the mandatory evaluations speed up mentees development and builds their confidence.

Don’t get me wrong – structured rating systems and documentation are definitely beneficial, but having casual catch up chats in between helps build working relationships faster and shows that you care.

Regardless if you’re trying to give or receive a performance review, if you’re nervous about setting up your first one on one meeting, build up your confidence first by striking up conversations in the hallway, break room, or outside the office on coffee or lunch outings.

Start with the easy conversational stuff like:

“Hi, how’s it going?  What’d you do over the weekend?”
“Hey did you catch the game last night?”
“How are things going with our new client?”
“How have your interactions with abc department been going lately?”

And then work your way towards q’s like these:

Mentees
“So what did you think of my performance on xyz project?”
“What do you think is my biggest weakness right now?”
“I’m struggling with abc, what suggestions do you have?”

Managers
“I saw you missed your deadline on Monday.  What happened and what steps will you take to prevent that from happening again?”
“How has your training been going?  Which topics would you like more help with?”
“You’ve been doing a great job with abc.  Have you thought about trying your task this way using xyz?  This will help you improve your accuracy and efficiency, now let me show you how…”

Interact And Get Noticed

If you don’t get to interact much with your manager on a day-to-day basis, having these types of feedback discussions will really improve your relationship and get you noticed.  After all, when it comes time for raises and promotions to be decided, you want your boss to think of you first!

If your company doesn’t have an evaluation program, don’t let that stop you from getting to know your boss and asking for advice and guidance.  Managers LOVE mentees who are proactive, receptive to feedback, and who want to perform well.

What If You Work By Yourself?

The above is all fine and dandy if you have a manager, but what if you’re a solo entrepreneur?  Take the time to study your competition.  Keep jealousy and rivalry bitterness out of the equation and focus on identifying the things they’re doing differently, better and worse, and analyze how they compare and contrast to your operations.  Think about what you can change to improve the way you run your business.

Seek out a mentor or two.  You don’t have to find the best expert in your field to improve your skills, but you do want someone who understands your goals and objectives.  Talk to friends and family, and network with the alumni association of your Alma mater.  Take suggestions from your clients and customers too and research trends.  There are always things we can do better.

If you enjoyed this post, please check out the rest of the articles in this 5 part series on how to give constructive feedback and why it benefits our relationships with family, your significant other, and friends).

Untemplaters, how would you describe your relationship with your manager/mentor?  How often do you meet each year?

Today’s focus on friends takes us to part 4 of a five part series on how all sorts of relationships benefit from constructive criticism.  I’m covering key tips on how to give constructive criticism, and how this type of feedback benefits our relationships with family, significant others, managers and mentees, and friends.

From One Circle to Another

As far as friends go, I’ve changed circles many times in my life and have learned a lot from each migration.  Sometimes we’re compelled to make new friends because we change schools, move to a new state, get in nasty fights, or we just develop different interests and grow apart.  Don’t feel guilty if you don’t feel as close to some of your friends as you used to.  We are all constantly changing, and as these shifts occur, so do our priorities and our taste in friends.

The Freedom to Choose

One of the greatest things about having friends is that we can choose them.  I’m sure a lot of you have changed circles of friends multiple times during your lifetime.  It’s perfectly normal and quite common.  As we relocate, experience life changes, and change interests, we tend to lose touch with friends from our past.  You do not have to stay friends with anyone.  Your time is valuable, so treat it that way and choose who you want to be around.

Avoid Clones And Break Free of Your Comfort Zone

It’s really beneficial to seek out a variety of friends.  Clones are boring.  Getting to know people with different backgrounds, careers, goals, etc. can really open your eyes, dissolve prejudices, and help you become a better person.  For example, I’ve learned so much about Jewish, Korean, and Indian cultures from a few friends I’ve made that I probably never would have known about if we hadn’t met.

Trust Takes Time

Select your friends carefully and be wary about whom you trust, especially when it comes to revealing personal issues and money matters.  I’ve been burned by so-called “friends” in the past and wish I’d listened to my instincts before spilling out personal stuff.  Make sure you really get to know someone before any divulging info you don’t want leaked out.

Forget the Flakers

Friendship needs to go two ways or you’ll just end up getting frustrated and hurt.  Are you the one who’s always arranging to meet up, buying the movie tickets, and lending money that you never get back?  Pay attention to these signs.  If your friend flakes on you three times, trust me – move on.  Flaking is a sign of disrespect and a lack of interest.

Once you find friends that you care about who also reciprocate back, really treasure those relationships.  Be there for each other and take the time to actually meet up and go places together.  Texting and emailing is a convenient way to stay in touch but shouldn’t be your primary means of communication.

Share Honestly And Listen

A meaningful friendship isn’t built on gossiping and trash talking.  Share advice with each other and be honest.  Your true friends will know your weaknesses and will have the decency to tell you what they are, while standing by your side so you can get better.

Use their knowledge to your advantage and ask them along the way if they think you’re improving when you’re working on conquering your faults.  Take the time to help them out with their faults too.  Even though you’re close friends and you’ve seen each other’s highs and lows, don’t take that for granted.  Be nice when you give each other feedback and show that you care.

Have Fun

Another great thing about constructive criticism with friends is it doesn’t have to be serious or formal.  Turn it into something fun like having a feedback swap and come up with a few things you each want the other to work on and plan a reward if you both are successful.  Keep things light and motivate each other with positive compliments and finding ways to make each other laugh along the way.

Untemplaters, what have you learned from your friends?  Are your friends supportive and there for you when you need them?

I’m so excited to talk about how the relationships we have with our significant others can be improved so much through constructive feedback.  For those of you dropping in, this is part 3 of my 5 part series on how to give constructive criticism many types of relationships (family, friends, managers & mentees, friends) benefit from feedback.

YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER

When you’re in a serious relationship you’re constantly learning about yourself, your partner, and the things that make you soar, stagnate, or crumble.  My husband has helped me become a better individual and companion in SO many ways.

Not only has he been my number one supporter and confidant since day 1, he’s given me guidance and inspiration to work on my weaknesses and faults that no one else ever did before.  And I think I’ve also helped him improve and grow in several areas as well.

PAUSE, REWIND, THEN PUSH PLAY

Over time you can learn how to have difficult conversations together with your partner so you can attack and face problems straight on so things don’t fester.  Don’t have these types of conversations if you just had a fight and either of you are feeling angry or agitated.  Tell your significant you need to be alone for an hour or two to cool off first.

Before you have a serious conversation with each other, take the time to reflect on what is bothering you, and what is bothering your partner.  They are probably completely different things. Remember, for every issue you want to coach your significant on, think of several skills or tasks they’ve done well and BREATHE between each sentence.

STRENGTHEN YOUR FRIENDSHIP

You often hear happy couples say their spouse is their best friend.  I am a true believer in this.  Relationships often start off full of lust and excitement, but without a strong friendship neither person will be happy in the long run and the relationship will dissolve very easily.

Getting past the honeymoon stage in a relationship is when our biggest flaws and skeletons emerge.  If you throw in the towel and run, you’ll only feel safe and relieved temporarily.  Problems don’t disappear without solutions.  Please stand up for yourself if your partnership feels strained, stale, and off balance – and go talk to your significant or a counselor.  Let go of any stubbornness or fear that’s holding you back and try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes to visualize your own flaws too.

DON’T LET FEAR OR STUBBORNESS GET IN THE WAY

It takes courage, patience, and an open mind to make close-knit relationships work long term.  The tough conversations are worth it even if they involve tears, arguing, and admitting you screwed up.

The health and longevity of your relationship will require these types of candid conversations or your partnership will weaken over time and one or both of you will begin to want out.  Getting through the rough patches together is how we strengthen our love, build trust, and become more compatible.

EMBRACE YOUR DIFFERENCES

My husband and I have very different talents and skill sets.  This makes it frustrating sometimes when the other person can’t keep up or understand things as quickly.  But that’s also the beauty of it all because we have things we can teach each other, and we can help each other out.

Life is boring if you’re not learning new things and facing fresh challenges.  Find ways to leverage your different skill sets too, but don’t take each other for granted.  If one person is good at paying bills on time and handling money, the other person shouldn’t take that as an excuse to be totally clueless about your financial situation and goals as a couple.

CHANGE IS A GOOD THING

Understand that not every issue or flaw can be resolved in one conversation.  If you’re feeling completely overwhelmed and don’t know where to start though, it’s time to consult a relationship coach or a licensed therapist for help.

Relationships continually evolve and face new obstacles as we go through life changes, career moves, and new environments.  Don’t be naïve and think that the current state of your relationship is how it will stay forever.  We are constantly changing and being a happy, healthy, and successful couple takes effort, patience, and lots of open, constructive communication.

Untemplaters, when was the last time you had a heart to heart talk with your significant other about areas each of you can improve?  What are some of your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife’s weaknesses that are putting strain on your relationship?

In part 1 of this series, I went over several tips on how to give constructive criticism.  Now let’s talk about how constructive feedback benefits the relationships we have with our families.

Perfect Families DO NOT Exist

As much as we’d like to, we can’t choose our families.  Unfortunately many of us, myself included, also know what it’s like to have a dysfunctional one!  Yet we wouldn’t be who we are today without our families, even if we can’t stand to be around them. 

It’s hard to know when we’re kids if our parents and siblings are giving us a healthy, well rounded amount of support or not.  There’s no golden reference guide on parenting for us to sneak a peek at or wave under our parents noses, and we usually don’t fully understand what impact our families have on us until we’re off living on our own or trying to start a family of our own.  We learn so much from our parents and siblings, imperfections and all, and their influence has a direct impact on how we develop and learn to interact.

LISTEN and Say THANKS!

If we can embrace the fact that there aren’t any perfect, problem free families, it’s much easier to identify and appreciate the positives in our own.  Our families teach us valuable social skills, cultural and religious customs, help us identify our talents, push us to stay in school, and to take us in when we’re in a rough spot and have no where else to go.  These are huge benefits that we so often take for granted.

Make an effort and stay on good terms with your siblings and parents.  Even if you have a tendency to argue with your family or disagree with their advice and feedback, listening and saying thanks isn’t hard.  Tell your parents you appreciate what they’ve done for you over the years, and then hug your siblings and say, “thanks for looking out for me.”

Learn to Let GO

If one of your family members is always ranting about your negatives, teach them about the sandwich method and calmly explain that the abrasiveness of their comments is hurtful.  Try to forgive your family for their mistakes and move on.  Let go of the things you wish your parents did differently when you were growing up, and any jealousy you had towards your siblings.  Treasure the time you have now with your family even if you can’t (or don’t want to) live under the same roof.

People do change, and holding on to bad memories from your childhood will only end up holding YOU back.  Make the effort to keep in touch and talk about important changes in your lives.  Having a supportive family is priceless and it takes love and patience to get there.

Give Back with Constructive Feedback

We can also strengthen our relationship with our family members as adults by taking the time to get to know them as people. Listen to their life experiences, and help them set goals for their health and retirement.  As our parents age, they can lose interest in things, experience periods of depression, forget to exercise, and get caught up in aging instead of living.  Meanwhile, your sister or brother could be going through relationship problems, job search frustrations, money issues, etc.

Get involved! Observe, interact, and offer your sincere, heartfelt support.  Avoid nagging, jabs, or tuning out.  If you can encourage them stay active, help them cope and recognize their changes in behavior, and provide POSITIVE emotional support you will grow closer.   And the next time you’re in a jam they’ll be happy to help you out.

Lend Your Expertise

Sometimes we share certain talents with our family members such as being musically inclined or athletic.  A lot of times though we couldn’t be more different!  Put all prior jealousies aside, put your uniqueness to good use, and lend your expertise.

One example of how you can easily help your parents is with technology.  Although I am no tech guru, I know a lot more about technology than my parents.  I recently helped my mom install Skype on her computer over the phone and she was absolutely blown away that she could talk and see me on her computer screen – yes mom, it’s free, trust me – even though I was miles away.  If I hadn’t taken the time to teach her how to use it she probably never would have set it up, and now we can keep in touch that much easier.

A lot of our parents have difficulty keeping up with all the latest gadgets, terminology, and upgrades.  Take a look at how your parents are using technology.  Explain what they’re doing well & what they could do differently.  Coach them patiently on ways they can improve, and encourage them to try new things.

In Retrospect

My parents were pretty easy on me growing up, and I think that helped me avoid the urge to do some serious rebelling.  My sister on the other hand was almost too critical of me until I reached high school and that was often tough for me to handle.  Looking back, I wish my parents were more persistent in pushing me to break out of my comfort zone, and it would have been nice if my sister was more patient.

In retrospect though, I didn’t have it that bad because my parents’ softness and my sister’s hardness balanced each other out.  I am grateful that my mom was the comforting shoulder I could cry on and the one who helped me get back up, that my dad was the creative one who always found a way to make things work, and that my sister was the one who taught me how to be my own person and make my own decisions.

If you’ve enjoyed this post, check out the others in this series on how to give constructive criticism and how it benefits relationships with friends, your significant other, and managers and mentees.

Untemplaters, what do you like and dislike about your parents’ and siblings feedback style?  For those of you that have kids, what’s the hardest part about coaching them?  How are you helping your family improve?

Our lives are filled with many different types of relationships, and constructive criticism is invaluable in all of them.  This is a 5 part series I’ve put together that highlights tips on how to give constructive feedback and why it benefits 4 major relationship categories (family, significant other, friends, and manager/mentee).  Now let’s get started.

We’ve all heard the term constructive criticism before, but how well do we really understand what it means?  By definition, it is a compassionate and positive way of relaying feedback to someone in order to help the recipient improve and succeed. There are many benefits of communicating this way such as offering encouragement, keeping a positive outlook, showing your support, and helping someone fix mistakes and improve their skill sets.  Learning how to give constructive feedback properly takes practice, patience, and genuine kindness.

Mental Hurdles

What we have working against us though as both givers and receivers of feedback is the mentality “I’m right, you’re wrong.”  This belief pops into our minds constantly from the time we’re tantrum crazy kids until we’re covered in wrinkles.  For me, this mindset has increased with age, and at multiple times to my detriment.  We like to believe we know exactly what we’re doing all the time as we gain more and more confidence.

So why should we ever admit defeat and listen to what others have to say about what they think we are doing wrong or should do differently?  Because we ALL do idiotic things sometimes, we overlook steps and miscalculate things, and when we become overconfident it can be blinding.  Check your ego and recognize that it’s quite beneficial to be critiqued on a regular basis in order to learn, develop, and become better people.

The Sandwich Method

Constant nagging, teasing, put downs, and negative criticisms aren’t healthy or productive for anyone.  The key to successful constructive criticism is to find a happy medium in the frequency, style, and approach of the feedback and communication we give and receive within all of our relationships.

Although it takes some practice to get used to, the sandwich method is the best way to relay and receive constructive feedback.  Instead of rattling off a big list of things someone is doing wrong and screaming “what is wrong with you?!,” the sandwich method concept promotes change and motivation.

The technique is to sequentially compliment + coach + encourage.  Staying calm, while starting and ending a conversation with positive comments, prevents the listener from feeling scolded, avoids anger and insults, and relays compassion to the recipient.

• Timing is Everything.  If either party is emotionally distraught, allow some time for things to cool down before relaying feedback.

• Be Specific.  Without a clear example or two of the mistake or weakness you’re trying to coach someone on, the recipient will have trouble understanding and accepting what you’re saying.

• Avoid Tangents & Digging Up the Past.  Focus on the issue at hand and what’s happening now.

• Take Time to Prepare.  Constructive feedback is most beneficial when the giver takes time to prepare and gather his/her thoughts before starting a conversation.

• Present A Plan.  Problems don’t go away without solutions.  Provide a plan of action and encourage the recipient to think of some of their ways to improve.

• Schedule A Follow Up.  Goals are easier to achieve when there is clear direction and a reasonable timeline.

• Keep it Positive.  Avoid lecturing and harping on the negatives.  People need to feel supported and motivated in order to change.  Highlight strengths and let the recipient know you appreciate their efforts and what they’ve done well.

Remember that being receptive to feedback takes just as much practice as giving it.  We all have bad habits and stubborn streaks that we want to deny and struggle to get rid of the longer time goes by.  Keep an open mind and be patient with yourself and others.  There are always two sides to every coin.

Next up in this series is how constructive feedback benefits our relationships with our FAMILY!

Untemplaters, have you ever given someone constructive criticism?  What did you learn from it and what tips do you have?

If you’re an entrepreneur (or an aspiring one) it should be a requirement that you go to at least one conference a year.

So far in 2011 I’ve been to two, South By Southwest in Austin, Texas and the World Domination Summit in Portland, Oregon.

Each has not only changed the way I think about my business, but rather the way I think about my life.

The Misconception About Conferences

Far too many people place the majority of the emphasis on the speakers.  They will attend an event based on whether or not someone like Tim Ferriss or Gary Vee are going to be there giving talks.

Hey guys, I’ve got news for you, there’s plenty of You Tube clips that will allow you to do that at your own pace for way less money.

No, conferences are not about the speakers.

Rather they’re about the people.

When you’re going to a conference, you know that for the most part there are going to be a bunch of likeminded people there.  If their personalities are in line with your goals and beliefs, you’re doing yourself a big disservice if you don’t try to attend the event.

The Most Difficult Part of Entrepreneurship

The most difficult part of entrepreneurship for me has been not having enough relationships with people who have similar goals.  When all of your friends and family are happy leading more traditional jobs, they can often think you’re crazy for doing something against the grain.

Having online relationships with similar thinkers is one thing, but meeting them in person and actually strengthening that personal bond can be so huge for your mindset and confidence.

There are three people in particular that I met at SXSW just a little over two months ago that have changed my life.  I turn to them for business advice, support, and whatever else I need.  Had I not been able to meet them in person, those relationships would never have been formed, and my life would not be the same.

At smaller events like the World Domination Summit this past weekend, it’s even easier to build these relationships because you’re in closer proximity to everyone and the mindset is even more focused.

Within minutes of the event starting I felt like I was hanging out with 500 of my long lost best friends.  Everyone got along from the beginning, and it didn’t matter who I talked to, they all seemed to get me and what I was trying to do.

There aren’t many other places in the world where that happens.

Doing it the Right Way

That said, there’s a right way and a wrong way to do conferences.

All too often a conference attendee simply tries to find the most famous person around, and then immediately asks them for something.  First off, do you really think that’s going to work? Second, why aren’t you thinking about how you can help them?

So what should you do?

• DON’T go seeking the most powerful person in the room.
• DON’T ask for anything in your interactions.
• DO be as genuine as possible.

If you do these things it won’t matter how far you traveled, how much money you paid, or who is speaking, you’ll form at least one new relationship that will make the whole process more than worth it.

A Final Plea

Attending these two events this year has easily been one of the best decisions I’ve made for my business.  I’ve found mentors, friends, and made more memories in the process than I ever had expected to.

Do yourself a favor and stop listening to the people who complain that the speakers usually suck, the cost is usually too high, and whatever other negative things you hear, and find a conference this year with people in your niche. You’ll be glad you did.