Over the weekend as I was sipping some tea, I got to thinking about the relationships in my life and those that I’ve observed.  There are a lot of reoccurring themes that either make or break a partnership, and I bet you’ve experienced a bit of both.

What I’ve experienced is the more we learn about ourselves and those around us, the more healthy partnerships we have for the long term.  And the partnerships that we’re a part of that survive through thick and thin, adapt, grow, and get stronger with age are simply priceless.

The Binds Of Brotherly Bonds

Once when I was traveling, I happened to see a show by a band named Journey South.  If you haven’t heard of them before, Journey South is a pair of brothers hailing from a small town called Middelsbrough, England. They were a finalist on X Factor UK in 2005 and Simon Cowell signed them to a record contract! On March 26th, 2006, their debut album entered the UK Albums Chart at No 1, selling 216,000 albums in its first week.  …Unfortunately, that was the peak of their success.

Journey South is an excellent cover band, but I think their greatest opportunity has passed them by.  What’s the relevance?  Well when I saw them perform, I couldn’t help but wonder what they could have done differently to achieve greater success.  It seemed so obvious to me that Carl Pemberton, the younger, much better looking, more talented brother should have gone solo and rocket launched his career.

After all, Carl Pemberton is a stronger vocalist, plays the guitar, AND plays the piano! His older brother Andy also has a good voice, but it just isn’t as good, and Carl’s talents pretty much blow him out of the water.  However, because Andy Pemberton is the older brother, he takes charge as the lead singer and does all the talking.

Putting on my American Idol judge hat, I would have told them to at least switch things around, if not tell Carl he should consider going solo.  And I have to believe Simon and many other industry veterans told them the same thing. Yet, as any younger brother would do, Carl stayed loyal to his family and they continue to perform together.  Maybe Carl could have made it big if he went off on his own, but that wasn’t the path he wanted to take.

Making Sure Your Partnership Lasts For The Better

In any type of partnership, be it a band or a business, there has to be a clear delineation of each person’s strength’s and weaknesses. Ideally, all partners carry the same desire, ability, and work ethic, but we all know that this is seldom the case. I often get frustrated with partners who don’t pull their own weight, and I’m sure others have been frustrated with me as well.  What’s important is that we learn from our mistakes and find the best people for our needs and goals.  Here are 7 tips on creating a healthy partnership for the long term:

1. Align your visions.  If one partner wants to achieve a million bucks in revenue by year 3, and the other partner is happy making $200,000 a year by the same time, there is going to be an awful lot of disappointment. The first partner might work twice as hard and be that much more stressed than the more happy-go-lucky partner. Your objective: get on the same time-line and share the same goals.
2. Understand your strengths and weaknesses. Make a list of the three things each partner does well, as well as three things each partner does not do well. Create a task list where each partner focuses on his or her strengths. There will be areas where both partners do poorly, so handle those difficult tasks together as a team. 
3. Make sure work spent is commensurate with rewards earned. There’s nothing more deflating than doing all the work yourself and watching someone else get all the credit.  It’s happened to me before and it sucks.  Don’t let it happen to you!  Remember, work and rewards doesn’t have to split 50/50 either. If you know you can’t put in equal commitment, say so up front and therefore agree to a less than 50% reward. If you know your partner has limited time to work on your project, bring it up and discuss how you want to allocate the workload.  You’ve got to be honest with yourself and with your partner. Trust is tantamount.
4. Always keep your partner updated on what you are doing. It’s easy to assume someone is working hard or slacking off. Perception is reality. If you find you’ve been working overtime, make sure you keep your partner up to date on the hours you’ve put in and the details of what you’re doing. The last thing you want is to be taken for granted. If you have managers, keep them up to date with what you are doing and how you are helping your team.
5. Celebrate small wins. Starting a business, running a division, and trying to make it big in music are tough tasks. It’s way too easy to just give up, and fail. One way to make sure you keep the momentum going in whatever you do is celebrating small wins. If you managed to lock down a client after 3 months of trying, take your partner, or your friends out for drinks and celebrate! If you’ve managed to move up in the rankings, celebrate that too over some dinner! Take pride in your achievements and don’t dwell on your failures.
6. Have open conversations and recalibrate if necessary. Each quarter, sit down with your partner and discuss whether you guys are still on the same page. Do not let visions diverge too widely because that will only lead to dissension. Sometimes, however, things change and that’s just life. Your partner might get married and have two kids, limiting the time she has available to work on your joint venture. That’s OK, just recalibrate the reward if you still want to work together. And if your partner has had enough and is simply too burnt out to continue, that’s OK too, just recalibrate the reward by buying him/her out.  Don’t let someone who has lost their ability or interest to contribute drag you down and inhibit your ability to succeed.
7. Don’t lose sight of the big picture. If you’re working around the clock in a competitive market, it’s easy to get overwhelmed with insignificant details and lose sight of the big picture.  Those late nights and massive road bumps will get you down, oh how I know, but they also make you stronger. Remember you have more than you think and make the most of what you have in the moment!  Don’t give up, and always keep your end goal in mind. Put up a picture of a beautiful island, your daughter, or a bullseye on the image of your biggest competitor to remind yourself about how sweet things will be when you reach your end game.

You’re On Your Way To Healthy Long Term Partnerships

We will never know what we’re capable of unless we try. It’s hard enough to create your own success all by yourself.  But it can actually be even harder when you combine efforts with someone else, or a group of people, and you don’t work well together.  Even if you all start off with the same goals, things are guaranteed to change over time in one way or perhaps many ways. As a result, it’s important to always have open conversations and reassess accordingly.

Nobody will be upset if you are getting 10% of the reward if you are contributing 10% towards the initiative. But partnerships quickly break down when someone gets more than their fair share.  And sometimes you just have to recognize when a partner is holding you back.

Untemplaters, have you ever been in a relationship when your partner didn’t pull their weight? How have you dealt with troubles in your past and present partnerships? What tips do you have to make sure everybody participates and gets rewarded commensurate to their contribution?  Would you ever want to go into business with your sibling?

I am constantly amazed at how much money people spend on weddings.  I was in the elevator on my way to a business meeting a few weeks ago when I heard a woman talking about how she had 1,000 people at her wedding a few months earlier.  I seriously had to bite my tongue to keep from turning around and blurting out, “WHAT?!  Are you CRAZY lady?!“  My floor came and I had to exit the elevator before I heard any more details of this lavish celebration, but I found myself trying to justify her bizarre behavior by concluding she must have gotten hitched to a Hollywood celebrity or perhaps a British royal!

The Average Wedding Cost Makes Me Shake My Head

Did you know that the average wedding cost is now close to $28,000?  Sheesh!  While this rising average could make me feel bullish about our economy, it doesn’t.  Why?  Because too many people use getting married as an excuse to spend tens of thousands of dollars that they do not have.  I completely understand and agree that getting married is a once in a lifetime event (hopefully) and that everyone wants their wedding to be special, but I think it is foolish and irresponsible for couples to go into debt in order to pay for their wedding.

A lot of couples get financial help from their parents and families, but that has always felt weird to me.  I realize for some it’s a cultural thing, and I’ve even been to several weddings where it’s customary for guests to offer gifts of money to the bride and groom, but my husband and I didn’t want anything to do with that for our wedding.  I think this stems from our untemplate, minimalist, and independent nature.  The way I see it is our parents already gave us so much growing up that it just doesn’t feel right to ask them, or any relatives or friends for that matter, to help pay for anything once we become self-sufficient adults with our own income.  I’ve also learned a lot about how to handle family money problems which is another reason why I don’t recommend expecting or asking family for money.

How Many Wedding Guests Do You Really Need Anyway?

I really wouldn’t be too surprised if that crazy lady I overheard in the elevator married an unknown, wealthy Joe Schmoe and not a mysterious royal or movie star.  She sure seems narcissistic for inviting that many people don’t you think?  I’d be surprised and impressed if they even knew the names and faces of all of their guests!  Plus there’s no way she and her husband would even have had time for a meaningful conversation with every one of their guests unless they had a week long wedding!

While I think a 1,000 person wedding is quite the extreme, almost all the couples I know had/will have 150-200 people on their guest list.  A few outliers I know of were 3 couples at 250+, 2 at 50-100, and 1 at less than 50.  Even though it’s fun being a guest at a large wedding, I’m a huge fan of small, intimate weddings.  We had less than 30 people at our wedding and it rocked.  It was super easy to plan, there was plenty of time to talk to everyone so we didn’t feel rushed or exhausted, we knew all the guests really well which made it lots of fun, plus it was cheap!

I’m constantly surprised more people don’t go for small weddings.  You save SO much money and there’s nothing to stress about!  If you’re trying to decide who to put on your guest list, my advice is stick to inviting the people you care about the most because they’re the ones who want to be there the most too!

Don’t Start Your Marriage In Debt Up To Your Ears

I have one pair of friends who spent just shy of $100,000 on their wedding about two years ago.  I almost spit my juice out of my mouth when they told me that lol!  The ceremony and reception were held at a beautiful estate tucked into the hills, and the food was delicious, but 100 grand, really?!?!  Even though they are well off, they still had to borrow money from the bank and get help from their parents to pay for everything.  That just does not make sense to me!

And just last year one of my close friends from college held a beautiful wedding at a five star resort that probably cost them about $80,000!  It was exquisitely executed with a large wedding party, gourmet food, a live band, a 6 person team of photographers and videographers, plus programmed lighting during the dinner and reception.  Yes folks, couples are hiring professional wedding lighting designers now!

When my friend first told me she was having lighting at her wedding my thoughts were, “well duh, we don’t want to eat in the dark.”  Little did I know she was talking about the professional team she hired to put up a rig of multicolored LED lighting cans, monogrammed gels and strobes for the dance floor, and a spotlight for giving speeches!

The wedding was stunning but I felt sick to my stomach when I kept hearing her say, “gosh we’re so broke.”  Umm, so what the heck was she and her fiance thinking spending so much money for one day if they didn’t have the money to afford it?  If you have tons of money to burn then sure why not throw an all out wedding, but if you’re already on a budget (which she was) and don’t have a lot of savings in the bank, going into tens of thousands of debt for 1 day of fun is asking for serious trouble.  One of the most common thing couples fight about is money too, so do yourselves a major favor and don’t start your marriage off in debt up to your ears.  It IS possible to have an awesome wedding without getting anywhere close to the average wedding cost of $28,000.

To Decline Or Not To Decline Invitations

Weddings are fun to attend, but I’ve done my fair share of declining invitations.  Usually it’s because I don’t know the couple very well, the location is far away and expensive to get to, or the timing interferes with existing plans that I don’t want to reschedule.  I have an open invitation right now to a wedding in LA on Labor Day Weekend and am debating if I should decline it or not.  LA is not that far, but the venue for the wedding is a super expensive beach resort that has a 3 night minimum stay because of the holiday weekend!  Even though I used to hang out with the bride during my college days, we didn’t really keep in touch after that and I’m not that close to her or her fiance now.  However, they are moving to the Bay Area this summer so there’s a chance we may hang out more since they’ll be close by.

I’m leaning towards declining the invitation though.  I just don’t feel like spending $1800-2000 (for 1 person) to fly and stay at this 5 star resort to see people I’m not that close with anymore.  If it was for my best friend’s wedding then yeah I’d probably find a way to make it work, but for a distant friend it’s just too expensive!  Plus they have a 16 person wedding party which leads me to believe the guest list is huge so I highly doubt I will be missed!  But because they are relocating here I feel somewhat obligated to go.  It’d be so much easier if they just hadn’t invited me lol!

Untemplaters, how do you feel about declining wedding invitations – would you attend or decline this Labor Day wedding if you were in my shoes?  What are your thoughts on the average wedding cost?  Why do you think so many couples go into debt when planning a wedding?  Why aren’t more people having small weddings and spending within their means?

I was on my way to work the other day, zoned out and staring out the window while I listed to one of the dozen radio stations on my phone. About halfway into my commute, I felt my ears perk up as a new song came on that I didn’t recognize. It was a rather cute and catchy sounding song by a female artist with a distinctive British accent. And as the song played out, I found myself smiling and thinking over the lyrics.

I immediately clicked bookmark this track so I could look it up later and figure out who was behind this fun new tune. But as it turns out the song I heard isn’t new at all! It’s called Merry Happy and is from a 2007 number one album in the UK, Made of Bricks, by Kate Nash. If it weren’t for the lyrics, it’s the kind of song you’d likely hear in an Apple commercial.  I’ve got a copy of the song at the bottom of the post if you want to hear what it sounds like.

There are a few phrases in the song that stuck with me, besides the funny remark about her bum haha, which made me think about relationships and how sometimes love can be so complicated and frustrating, but also forgiving and eye opening.

When The One We Want Doesn’t Want Us Anymore

We’ve all had at least one crush at some point in our lifetime who was out of our league and never gave us the time of day. But what about those times when we started a relationship with someone who liked us back at first but who later on lost interest and left us hanging? I’m sure most of you know what I’m talking about and it royally sucks.

But the good news is that eventually we heal and we learn from those experiences. As more time passes, the less our hearts hurt, the less anger and upset we feel, and the more we realize how better off we are without those fools!

Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn’t want to stick around

So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

The Beauty Of Being Alone

Whether you’re in a committed relationship, going through a breakup, or just not interested in love, we all need quality alone time.  I didn’t really appreciate or understand this when I was in my early 20′s and blinded by young love.  I thought spending as much time as possible with my boyfriend would make us get closer faster.  Besides that backfiring, I lost out on developing my own hobbies, making my own separate circle of friends, and good ol’ soul searching.

Another thing I was foolish about was not making more out of my alone time when I was single.  Just because you’re not seeing anyone you shouldn’t feel that you can’t do things that fall in the category of romantic dates like walking on the beach or watching the sunset just because you’re by yourself.  I find that absorbing and experiencing the beauty and power of nature is actually a lot more impactful when you’re alone!  You hear more sounds when there’s no pressure or urge to speak to someone and you soak in more of your surroundings when you have the luxury to take as much time as you want.

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own

Lemon Into Lemonade And Growing Flowers From Where Dirt Used To Be

You know that feeling when you paid to go see a movie that ended up being horrible and feeling like you wasted 2 hours of your life that you’ll never get back?  Unfortunately some relationships can feel like that too!  But the good news is that once you can move on you’ll realize how much wiser you’ve become and that good things can sprout up after the weeds and toxins are taken out of your life.  There are a lot of mean, crazy, and selfish people in this world but don’t let them steal any more of your energy or happiness!  Look at the bright side of things and know there are plenty of good things waiting to sprout into your life.

Chatting on the phone
Can’t take back those hours
But I won’t regret
‘Cause you can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be

Untemplaters do you have any favorite songs about relationships? When you went through a rough breakup, what did you do to cope and move on?

The bar was packed and there she was, sitting dominantly in the middle with an empty chair to her left and an empty chair to her right. She was clearly enjoying her wine and an assortment of artisanal cheeses with cured meats. Without even saying a word, she turned around to greet my friend and I and asked if we’d like her to scoot down one so we could sit. And so, the night began.

It was a tight squeeze, but I managed to wedge between my buddy Steve and the lone-diner, Carey. “How’s the evening going?” I asked.

“Not bad at all. This is my first break in over two weeks. I’ve got a glass of wine and delicious cheese, what more could a girl want?” she replied.

“What is it that you do that enables you to work 20 days straight?” I wondered out loud.

“I’m in the food business, working at Florence Restaurant during the day, and at the Blue Light as a bartender during the evenings.” She sliced a piece of cheddar from the cutting board and dropped it in her mouth in between sentences. She continues, “I used to run establishments and make $100,000+ a year, but given the economy, I’m just on call when needed. I love the industry and would rather bartend and waitress than anything else.”

“That’ great to hear!” I sincerely replied. Anybody who can stand on their feet for 11 hours a day and work two jobs is a hero! “I’m Sam, and this is my buddy Steve.”

“Nice to meet you, I’m Carey. I’m actually going to the Blue Light bar to hang out afterwards. You guys should come, I’ll buy you a round!”

“Definitely. But first, we’ve got to ask you about your stories as a bartender. You must have so many!” I reply. Our waiter finally took our order. Two Chimay’s please.

SERVICE, LOVE AND MONEY – SHAKEN NOT STIRRED

As a relatively attractive woman with red hair, Carey garned a lot of attention, especially from her night job as a bartender at one of the most obnoxious sports bar in town. Carey provided some great insights on everything from getting service to tips on finding love. Here are the highlights:

- When you turn 21, your driver’s license turns horizontal moron, yet the offending kids have no idea. See ya later dumb a**es!

- If you threaten to call the cops on the bartender for confiscating your fake ID, she will laugh in your face and tell you to dial away.

- Don’t wave your dollar bill at the bartender for attention. You will simply her off, because a dollar bill, although better than a piece of dung on the street, is offensive.  Thing strip clubs.  Try a $5 dollar bill instead. If you have a corporate card, even better.

- “Leave it open” is what they want to hear.

- Douche-bags are a dime a dozen. The guys who successfully pick her up, and other women at the bars are simple and straightforward. There’s no need for cheesy pick up lines.

- Writing your name and number on the receipt doesn’t work (shit!). She has a bowl full of these receipts, and she’s never once called a guy back.

* Being comfortable in your skin is very attractive. You can wear jeans and a t-shirt among a crowd of popped colors and Ferragamo shoes. If you are relaxed, you will gain attention.

* Women always become more interested in a man after another woman begins talking to him.

* If you wear three-piece suits, you will attract gold diggers. You are also a douche-bag for wearing a three-piece suit to a bar.

* Respect the establishment. If the dress code is no sandals, get the hell out!

* Of course women are looking for a good time when they are at a bar.  It just might not be with you who doesn’t floss or brush before going out!

ALWAYS GET TO KNOW A BARTENDER

If you want to get the ladies or attract the men, get to know the bartender really well at your favorite bar. Being able to get drinks in a crowded bar when you want to is a priceless thing. Your dates will immediately think you are special. Of course, it’s going to cost you a little bit extra for having a great relationship with the bartender.  But isn’t  love worth a $5 tip?

As for Carey, we never ended up meeting her at the next bar. Instead, she just left me a napkin with a restaurant where she works and the three main dishes I must try. Oh yeah, her e-mail and number are on the napkin as well. Cha-ching!

Untemplaters, are you looking for love this Valentine’s week? Do you have any bartender friends who hook you up and make you feel like Norm in Cheers? What are your tips for finding love and getting good service?

Regards,

Sam

The decision to start a family is completely natural to many people but not for me. For the last few years I’ve continually wondered, when is the right time to have kids? And do I even want to have kids at all? When I was growing up though I always assumed I would raise children because that’s what I thought everyone is supposed to do when they get older.

It wasn’t until my friends started getting pregnant, some for the second or third time, that I started to have serious doubts about the whole thing. My reservations started increasing as I witnessed the strains kids put on their marriages, the time and energy they were putting into caring for a baby, and how their lifestyles changed.

It all felt really odd to me that I was having these unsettling feelings, especially as I feel like most women seem to have the total opposite reaction as me, and start desperately wanting to have kids once their friends start getting pregnant.

Research And Observations

About this same time last year, I got to the point where I had babies on my mind all day long. I wasn’t getting any younger, and I felt stressed that I couldn’t figure out if I wanted kids in my future or not. My subconscious couldn’t relax because I was so indecisive about the whole thing and I felt restless and unsettled. I talked to my husband about it a lot, but knew I had to do some soul searching on my own in order to get some peace of mind.

Being the type of person with a tendency to over analyze things, I ended up spending hours and hours researching pregnancy, childbirth, infant care, costs, and stats on couples pre and post starting a family. I also spoke with a ton of my friends asking for their advice and several of their answers stuck with me:

“There is never a perfect time to have kids.”
“Kids are a lot of work.”
“All of my time goes to my kids.”
“My husband barely helps out. I have to do everything.”
“You have plenty of time to have kids, don’t rush it.”
“Get a nanny if you can afford one.”

In other words, none of these responses led me to want to dive into starting a family! Of course they also had plenty of great things to say too, they just weren’t enough to convince me I’d be happy raising kids.

The Wrong Time To Have Kids

It makes me so sad when I hear stories about couples with kids splitting up. It happened to my parents and it was awful. Ever since I found out I was an “accident”, I can’t help but wonder if my parents would have been happier people without me. Of course I’m so thankful to exist and be alive, but I do feel bad that my parents were basically forced into getting married and went through so many years of fighting before they finally parted ways.

I also recently found out a family friend of mine is pregnant with her second child. She’s been living with her mom for over a year due to marital problems, yet she intentionally got pregnant again because she’s always wanted to have two kids.  Umm, I was speechless when I heard that. Why do so many people think that having kids will save their marriage or make decisions like that without really thinking them through? I wish her all the best, but I think she picked a bad time to have another baby.

The Best Time To Have Kids

I’ve made peace with the uncertainty of kids in my future and now I don’t think there’s anything bad about not having children at all. I think the time will be right if and when my husband and I are both equally on board and truly excited about starting a family.  Right now that eagerness just isn’t there for either of us.  It amazes me how some couples intentionally have kids when only one spouse is really ready. That’s not fair to the health of any relationship, nor the child for the matter, and I won’t take that chance.

Being healthy, and financially secure are another two big determining factors in deciding on the best time to have kids and I still have a ways to go in those areas. I also really want to travel to more places before trying to have kids or I know I’ll have regrets later. And I want to make more strides in my career first because I have so many goals I want to reach while I still have a lot of time to myself. All in all I haven’t ruled out the possibility of kids in my future, but I’m happily content without any for the foreseeable future.

Untemplaters, when do you think is the best time to have kids? For those of you who are parents, how ready were you when you had your first? If you could step back in time would you have waited longer, less, or not changed anything at all?

I recently had lunch with one of my friends and we got to talking about money and how it can change and even corrupt people. She told me a fascinating story about her cousin Trent, who grew up rather poor and had to work part time jobs throughout school to help his family. Despite his underprivileged upbringing, he loved school, studied really hard, participated in all sorts of student organizations and managed to get into UC Berkeley on a full scholarship.

Even though his college education was paid for, Trent still chose to work while he was in school because he didn’t like feeling idle and wanted to be able to start his own company after graduation. He took lots of business classes, often met with his professors for advice and guidance, and spent all his free time researching and planning for his future. After finishing college was able to take the money he’d saved up and start his own marketing and design company.

He kept his costs low and used his networking skills and alumni contacts to win a few big clients. Over time his business really took off. People liked his work and his positive, can-do attitude. He enjoyed being able to help his clients and prided himself in his customer service. As his business and profits grew, Trent wasn’t able to continue doing everything on his own so he hired a few employees to help with the growing demand.

Everything was going great until one of the employees, Eric, liked Trent’s business model and designs so much that he decided to quit and start his own competing company, copying pretty much everything Trent’s business was doing (note – names have been changed for privacy). Eric was making a decent salary working for Trent, but that wasn’t enough for him. Instead of talking to Trent about getting a promotion or building a partnership together, Eric left and took a lot of intellectual property knowledge and client information with him.

The Lure Of Money

Trent was really disappointed that Eric left like that, but chose not to take any legal action nor try to stop Eric from being successful as a competitor. Trent chose to continue focusing on his own clients and doing what he loves. If I was in Trent’s shoes I’d probably have done the same thing and just moved on, unless my business took such a huge hit from Eric stealing away business that I couldn’t operate anymore. Perhaps if Trent had paid Eric a higher salary he wouldn’t have left like he did, but it probably would have just delayed Eric’s departure not eradicated it.

I think it’s selfish the way Eric left, because he took the opportunity to make more money on his own by copying all of Trent’s ideas, but it was quite a profitable move for him.  My friend did tell me that Eric ended up making triple his previous salary by starting a competing business, and lured away many of Trent’s clients. Ouch. I’d be furious if I was Trent. I mean it’s nice that Eric was able to make so much more money, but the way he went about it was pretty foul. If it wasn’t for Trent, Eric wouldn’t have had the knowledge and the contacts to be successful.

Competition is inevitable in any business though and people copy and steal ideas and information all the time in order to make a profit for themselves. Especially as fluid as data and info is online these days, it’s becoming quite hard preventing others from pillaging and stealing your own ideas, content, products, contacts, and designs.

Be Careful And Protect Yourself

Why do you think money corrupts people and leads them to steal from others? I don’t think it’s solely based on poverty versus wealth anymore, I think laziness and greed play a big part too. Perhaps some of you think what Eric did was smart and completely within his rights.

Imagine for a moment you had the opportunity to triple your current salary right now. Would you undermine someone in order to do so? And do you think your answer be different if you made significantly more or less than you do right now?

Personally I don’t think I could sleep at night if pulled a move like Eric’s. But money makes people do crazy things. It can make our heads spin, over inflate our egos, and consume us with stinginess, and an endless appetite for material things. After all, greed and ignorance are two of the main reasons why lottery winners and professional athletes often go broke. They just don’t know how to handle their sudden influx of income and assume that it will never run out.

The lesson learned here is that if you have anything valuable, there will always be someone who wants to copy or take it away from you for his or her own benefit. For example, if you have a brilliant idea for a new invention, don’t go blabbing about it on Facebook as soon as it pops into your head, keep it to yourself until you’ve acted on it and protected your intellectual property and prototypes.

Untemplaters, what are your thoughts on Eric’s actions? How would you have responded if you were Trent? Why does money corrupt people in your opinion?

My parents have never been good with money.  They were constantly borrowing from their own parents to get bills paid.  It wasn’t something they were proud of and they always emphasized they never wanted me to end up in their situation and have to rely on money from friends or family to survive.  They said money would drive a wedge between our relationships and create a tremendous amount of tension.  For this reason, I’ve never borrowed money from anybody, even when I was broke, or so I thought.

After my freshman year of high school, I wanted out.  I was bullied by a couple kids and just couldn’t stand it.  On top of the teasing and tormenting, there were constantly cat-fights and knife fights in the hallways and in the courtyard at lunch.  Our principal put up metal detectors, but the weapons still kept coming.  I wanted to go as far away as possible where kids didn’t walk around school hating the world and where I didn’t have to fear for my own safety walking to my next class.

MY SINGLE MOTHER

My mother is a clerical worker who was making about $26,000 a year at that time.  It wasn’t much, but it was enough for us to live a decent life in our area.  When I told her about my fears walking through the halls and my dream to go to a different school, she was so shocked at what I was dealing with that she immediately started searching for the best private schools I could go to.  My grades were good enough to transfer, and she found an all girls school that looked promising.  The campus was gorgeous, and the students were actually smiling and normal!  The only (and rather huge) problem was that it cost $20,000 a year, which was an inconceivable amount of money to my mom.

The only chance I had to be able to go there was for me to apply for a need based scholarship.  A couple months and a lot of prayers later, I found out that I had been awarded a sizable scholarship for three years if I participated in extra curriculars and kept my grades up!  It was an amazing feeling, but it still meant my parents had to come up with roughly $24,000 that they weren’t prepared for.  My mother talked to my dad, who lived a few states away, and decided that even if they ended up in bankruptcy, it would be worth it for my safety and my future.

What I didn’t realize then was that I was violating the very principal that my parents taught me.  I was essentially doing what they advised me not to do by borrowing money from them because I wanted out of the public school system!  Even though I was a teenager, I didn’t know any of the details of either of my parent’s financial situation because they never wanted to talk about money.  I knew private school was expensive, but I had no idea how much that kind of tuition money was asking of them given their situation.

When you make only $26,000 a year, it’s not easy to set aside more than one (let alone two) hundred dollars a month especially since my mother had a mortgage, credit card debt, stacks of medical bills, food, clothing and other basic necessities to pay.  After taxes and health insurance, her take home pay was probably only around $1,500 a month, maybe even less.  I had no idea at the time because she refused to reveal her income range to me until well after I graduated from college.

THANKFUL THEN AND MORE SO NOW

I don’t know where I’d be now if I had stayed back in my local high school.  What I do know is that those few years I spent at private school changed me completely.  My confidence started to go up, I actually looked forward to going to school, I could actually leave my backpack out in the halls with 100% certainty it wouldn’t get stepped on or stolen (it wouldn’t have lasted 30 seconds at my old school!), and the quality of the teachers and the curriculum was mind boggling in comparison to my old school.

I had all the help in the world from the guidance counselor for my college applications, and it paid off.  I studied like mad for scholarships, got into the state school I wanted, learned how to network, and used those connections and the knowledge I gained to launch my career.  It was also where I found my best friend, who is like a sister to me.

For these reasons, I’m so thankful for my mother’s sacrifice, and that she believed that school was what I needed.  Both she and my dad even managed to help pay for half of my college education together through government loans, and I worked part-time during college while I paid for the other half on my own.  Now that I know how difficult it was for them to scrape by all those years to pay for my education, I’m working even harder to give back to them, little by little.

Untemplaters, did your parents pay for your education in high school and/or college?  Did you realize at the time how much money it cost them?  Do you feel you have an obligation to pay them back in one way or another?

July is a popular month for mid-year performance evaluations in the workplace.  It’s often a dreaded period for managers who have to scramble to get forms filled out, and an equally antsy time for employees nervous about getting critiqued and having to sit down with the boss one on one.

Evaluations Are GOOD For You

I’ve been managing a team of people at my CRM job for about four years now and I strongly believe that if your current boss isn’t taking the time to give you some type of performance review at least once a year, he/she isn’t doing their job very well.

Everybody is busy these days and juggling more tasks.  That’s still no excuse to put off reviews – managers need to make the time and employees need to participate. If your boss shies away from giving you constructive feedback, don’t just shrug your shoulders and walk away – get proactive and take action.

Check Your Ego At The Door

Regardless of titles and tenure, there is always room for improvement and we all need to be open to hearing constructive criticism.  If you got passed up on a promotion, ask why without getting angry or whiny.  Find out objectively what you need to do to be qualified in the next round.

If you’re unhappy or bored with your current role, for goodness sake ask for new assignments and volunteer to help other departments.  Your manager can’t help you if you don’t speak up and vise versa.  If your mentee isn’t doing a good job they’re not going to improve unless you tell them what they’re doing wrong and coach them how to can get better.

Successful Managers ENJOY Giving Feedback

One of the key skills to being a successful mentor is to learn how to provide your mentees with clear direction, coaching, and development plans on a regular basis.  With just a little practice, it becomes such a rewarding and comfortable experience and is one of the main reasons I love my day job as a manager.  Helping people improve and develop their skill sets is fun and fulfilling.

Because I don’t have a private office, I like to meet with my employees individually about 6-8 times a year in a conference room without the distractions of phones ringing or their peers eavesdropping.  I break the ice by talking about fun stuff unrelated to work like sports, movies, good eats, and vacation plans.  And then I transition into talking about their projects, training, and performance while listening to their concerns, goals, ideas, and q’s.

When you take the time get to know your boss/employee/colleagues, work gets easier and becomes less stressful. Having open dialogues and a strong support system makes such a difference in the workplace.

Beneficial Feedback At Work Doesn’t Have To Be Formal

Only two of the 6-8 annual sit down meetings I have with my employees are actual formal reviews with standardized forms and performance ratings.  I find all the informal talks in between the mandatory evaluations speed up mentees development and builds their confidence.

Don’t get me wrong – structured rating systems and documentation are definitely beneficial, but having casual catch up chats in between helps build working relationships faster and shows that you care.

Regardless if you’re trying to give or receive a performance review, if you’re nervous about setting up your first one on one meeting, build up your confidence first by striking up conversations in the hallway, break room, or outside the office on coffee or lunch outings.

Start with the easy conversational stuff like:

“Hi, how’s it going?  What’d you do over the weekend?”
“Hey did you catch the game last night?”
“How are things going with our new client?”
“How have your interactions with abc department been going lately?”

And then work your way towards q’s like these:

Mentees
“So what did you think of my performance on xyz project?”
“What do you think is my biggest weakness right now?”
“I’m struggling with abc, what suggestions do you have?”

Managers
“I saw you missed your deadline on Monday.  What happened and what steps will you take to prevent that from happening again?”
“How has your training been going?  Which topics would you like more help with?”
“You’ve been doing a great job with abc.  Have you thought about trying your task this way using xyz?  This will help you improve your accuracy and efficiency, now let me show you how…”

Interact And Get Noticed

If you don’t get to interact much with your manager on a day-to-day basis, having these types of feedback discussions will really improve your relationship and get you noticed.  After all, when it comes time for raises and promotions to be decided, you want your boss to think of you first!

If your company doesn’t have an evaluation program, don’t let that stop you from getting to know your boss and asking for advice and guidance.  Managers LOVE mentees who are proactive, receptive to feedback, and who want to perform well.

What If You Work By Yourself?

The above is all fine and dandy if you have a manager, but what if you’re a solo entrepreneur?  Take the time to study your competition.  Keep jealousy and rivalry bitterness out of the equation and focus on identifying the things they’re doing differently, better and worse, and analyze how they compare and contrast to your operations.  Think about what you can change to improve the way you run your business.

Seek out a mentor or two.  You don’t have to find the best expert in your field to improve your skills, but you do want someone who understands your goals and objectives.  Talk to friends and family, and network with the alumni association of your Alma mater.  Take suggestions from your clients and customers too and research trends.  There are always things we can do better.

If you enjoyed this post, please check out the rest of the articles in this 5 part series on how to give constructive feedback and why it benefits our relationships with family, your significant other, and friends).

Untemplaters, how would you describe your relationship with your manager/mentor?  How often do you meet each year?

Today’s focus on friends takes us to part 4 of a five part series on how all sorts of relationships benefit from constructive criticism.  I’m covering key tips on how to give constructive criticism, and how this type of feedback benefits our relationships with family, significant others, managers and mentees, and friends.

From One Circle to Another

As far as friends go, I’ve changed circles many times in my life and have learned a lot from each migration.  Sometimes we’re compelled to make new friends because we change schools, move to a new state, get in nasty fights, or we just develop different interests and grow apart.  Don’t feel guilty if you don’t feel as close to some of your friends as you used to.  We are all constantly changing, and as these shifts occur, so do our priorities and our taste in friends.

The Freedom to Choose

One of the greatest things about having friends is that we can choose them.  I’m sure a lot of you have changed circles of friends multiple times during your lifetime.  It’s perfectly normal and quite common.  As we relocate, experience life changes, and change interests, we tend to lose touch with friends from our past.  You do not have to stay friends with anyone.  Your time is valuable, so treat it that way and choose who you want to be around.

Avoid Clones And Break Free of Your Comfort Zone

It’s really beneficial to seek out a variety of friends.  Clones are boring.  Getting to know people with different backgrounds, careers, goals, etc. can really open your eyes, dissolve prejudices, and help you become a better person.  For example, I’ve learned so much about Jewish, Korean, and Indian cultures from a few friends I’ve made that I probably never would have known about if we hadn’t met.

Trust Takes Time

Select your friends carefully and be wary about whom you trust, especially when it comes to revealing personal issues and money matters.  I’ve been burned by so-called “friends” in the past and wish I’d listened to my instincts before spilling out personal stuff.  Make sure you really get to know someone before any divulging info you don’t want leaked out.

Forget the Flakers

Friendship needs to go two ways or you’ll just end up getting frustrated and hurt.  Are you the one who’s always arranging to meet up, buying the movie tickets, and lending money that you never get back?  Pay attention to these signs.  If your friend flakes on you three times, trust me – move on.  Flaking is a sign of disrespect and a lack of interest.

Once you find friends that you care about who also reciprocate back, really treasure those relationships.  Be there for each other and take the time to actually meet up and go places together.  Texting and emailing is a convenient way to stay in touch but shouldn’t be your primary means of communication.

Share Honestly And Listen

A meaningful friendship isn’t built on gossiping and trash talking.  Share advice with each other and be honest.  Your true friends will know your weaknesses and will have the decency to tell you what they are, while standing by your side so you can get better.

Use their knowledge to your advantage and ask them along the way if they think you’re improving when you’re working on conquering your faults.  Take the time to help them out with their faults too.  Even though you’re close friends and you’ve seen each other’s highs and lows, don’t take that for granted.  Be nice when you give each other feedback and show that you care.

Have Fun

Another great thing about constructive criticism with friends is it doesn’t have to be serious or formal.  Turn it into something fun like having a feedback swap and come up with a few things you each want the other to work on and plan a reward if you both are successful.  Keep things light and motivate each other with positive compliments and finding ways to make each other laugh along the way.

Untemplaters, what have you learned from your friends?  Are your friends supportive and there for you when you need them?